All Greek to Me
by todd fan
Summary: COMPLETE: A Parody of Disney's Hercules!
1. How the story goes

It's all Greek to me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I can't believe I went from temple guardian to baby-sitter in less than a day"

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I am re-writing another parody. Gasp, horror! Actually, I **was** going to re-write the Wild, Wild West parody, but I lost it all when my computer spazzed and somehow unformatted the disc. That will have to be written from scratch (sob) so it is now on the bottom of the parody pile.

This parody, however, is still fresh, not even a year old. So here is my Disney's Hercules parody, enjoy!

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ACT 1 - How the Story Goes

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We open in an old museum, very obviously the Greek section, with vases and statues around. A narrator starts...well..narrating)

"Why am I always the narrator?", whines Magneto, "I want a decent part for once!"

"Just say the lines so the chicks can start dancing", snaps Evan, a directors hat placed jauntily on his head.

"Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes", booms Magneto, "And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Samuel...wait you picked the farm boy!"

"Well, it was between him and Roberto", says Evan with a shrug, "unfortunately, though Roberto has the strength for the role, the personality is a little...off"

"Well! Soooorry for being confident and able to handle myself around the ladies", snorts Roberto, "I don't want the stupid part anyway!"

The camera centres on a vase with Sam fighting a big lion

"But what is the measure of a true hero?", asks Magneto, "Ah, that is what our story is..."

We zoom onto the vase, where Kitty, Dani, Jubilee, Rogue and Amanda are 'painted' on

"Muses...oh joy", mutters Kitty.

"Will you listen to him?", says Dani, pulling a sad mask over her face, "He's makin' the story sound like some Greek tragedy"

"Lighten up, dude", grins Kitty.

"We'll take it from here, darling", smiled Rogue pleasantly.

"Don't call me 'darling'", growls Magneto, "..ahem. You go, girls"

A music beat starts to hit, the girls (herefore known together as the muses) swaying to it.

"We are the Muses", says Rogue, "Goddeses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes"

Kitty grabs a fan, fanning her face with it

"Heroes like Samuel"

"Honey, you mean "hunk-uel"", buts in Dani, sliding down the vase, landing on the painted Sam's shoulder, sidling up to him, "Ooh, I'd like to make some sweet music with him.."

"Err….", says Sam.

Rogue gives her a glare before smiling at the audience

"Our story actually begins long before Samuel", she says, "many eons ago.."

Rogue pulls the border of their vase, making it steps for them to walk down, as she begins to sing.

**Back when the world was new**

**  
The planet Earth was down on its luck**

**  
And everywhere gigantic brutes**

**  
Called Titans ran amok! **

They stop in front of a vase showing a picture of Amara, Lance and Bobby causing havoc with their powers, a chunk of pot barely missing Dani, who hitches her toga to get over it.

**It was a nasty place!**, she sings.

**There was a mess wherever you stepped**

**  
Where chaos reigned and earthquakes **

**  
And volcanoes never slept! **

We see more chaos, Storm included this time. Then...Sabertooth appears on another vase, holding a lightening bolt.

"I'm a hero", grins Sabes, "whoooot!"

"I think we need to talk to Todd Fan about her casting choices", mutters Kitty as she and the muses sing in unison.

**And then along came Sabes**

**  
He hurled his thunderbolt**

**  
He zapped! **

**  
Locked those suckers in a vault! **

**  
They're trapped! **

We see such an event happening on the vase, Storm, Lance, Amara and Bobby being trapped, as the muses continue to sing.

**And on his own stopped chaos in its tracks**

**  
And that's the gospel truth! **

**The guy was too type A to just relax.**

**And that's the world's first dish**

**  
Sabes tamed the globe while still in his youth**

**  
Though, honey, it may seem imposs'ble**

**  
That's the gospel truth! **

They dance over to another plate, showing Mt Olympus...which looks suspiciously like Mt Humiliation.

**On mount Olympus life was neat **

**  
And smooth as sweet vermouth**

**Ooooohhhh**

**  
Though, honey, it may seem imposs'ble**

**  
That's the gospel truuuuuuuuuuth! **

"And cut", says Evan, "Oh man, this is gonna be one nutty, nutty parody!"

----

For fans of the Hercules animated show (I worshiped it) this title is actually the title of a song Hermes sings to explain these very events..in a different way. Do review. Until next time..


	2. Heavenly home

It's all Greek to me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Isn't this fun? Isn't fun the best thing to have? Don't you wish you were me? I know I do"

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DisChickDogsDaFuzzyDude – No worries, if you want to do a Hercules parody, go ahead. Yeah, I picked on the Sunspot, but chose Sam for the whole 'farm-boy' thing. But I have no problem with you doing one too if you so wish. I think there's another Evo Beauty and the Beast parody floating around out there too, apart from my own.

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ACT 2 - A Heavenly Home

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We open on Mt Humili...I mean (ahem) on Mt Olympus, rising up and up and up, until we get to the top, where various characters dessed as God's are chattering in a party. We go to where Mystique.

"Why me?", whines Mystique

"Because you had a relationship with Sabertooth", said Evan with a shrug, "...plus she has a limited number of women to work with"

"...Great", mutters Mystique.

Where was I? Oh yes, where Mystique is bouncing Sam.. who has currently been made into a baby

"It's better than the evil potion", says Sam, then pauses, "except that the evil potion was in a parody that hasn't been re-written yet, duh, Todd Fan"

Shut up, Samuel.

"Be a baby!", snapped Evan

Sam glares at Evan before gabbling happily, yoinking Mystique's crown off her head

"That's mine you flea bitten little...", she hisses

"You're a good mother here", reminds Evan, "..hard to believe, I know, but do try"

"Samuel", Smiled Mystique through gritted teeth, "Behave yourself"

A little cloud crib appears, which Mystique puts Sam in. Sabertooth walks over with a grin.

"King of the Gods", he says, "booohyah!"

"Why can't you people get off the ego bandwaggon and act!", snaps Evan

"Oh, look at this, look how cute he is...", grins Sabes.

Sabertooth waggles his finger at baby Sam, as Sam grabs his index finger

"Hah! Oh, he's strong!", he says, "Like his Dad, hmm?"

We see Sam, through the use of various special effects, **is** indeed strong, strong enough to lift Sabertooth over the crib. We suddenly see Kurt, wearing a snazzy pair of winged sandels, zipping through the 'Gods'.

"Vhoa! Excuse me! Hot stuff coming through!", he says, "Excuse me one side, Piotr"

He zips up to Mystique, handing her a bunch of flowers

"I'm not going to cry, I'm not going to cry", chants Mystique, "Ahem. Why, Kurt, they're lovely"

"Yeah, you know, I had Gambit do the arrangement", he says, "Isn't that too nutty?"

His little sandles fly him up to Sabertooth

"Fabulous party, you know", says Kurt, "I haven't seen this much love in a room since Pietro discovered himself!"

We see Pietro, looking at himself in a mirror making kissy faces, wearing a pendant with 'Me' written on it

"It's funny because it's **TRUE**!", giggles Pietro, "who's a handsome devil? **You** are!"

Baby Sam, meanwhile, has gotten hold of one of Sabertooth's 'lightening rods'

"Dear, keep those away from the baby", says Mystique, "ugh, I haven't called you 'Dear' for years"

"Oh, he won't hurt himself", says Sabertooth, "Let the kid have a little fun!"

"That's what you said about Graydon and 'Risk'", says Mystique, "and look what happened to him!" (1)

Baby Sam attempts to eat the rod, getting frazzled in the process. He throws it away with a pain squeal, making Gods leap out of it's path, before X23 gives it a good WHACK with her claws, it hits a cloud pillar, the pillar reforming instantly. Sabertooth winces, before addressing the party.

"Oh, on behalf of my son, I want to thank you all for your wonderful gifts"

We see a pile of various interesting looking gifts

"What about our gift", Mystique shudders, "...dear?"

Sabertooth ponders this for a moment, forming some clouds into a shape.

"Well, let's see here.. we'll take, hmm, yes, a little cirrus, and, hmm, a touch of nimbostratus, and a dash of cumulus", he mutters, as the cloud turns into a little horse with wings

"His name is Jottern, and he's all yours, son", smiles Sabertooth.

"And it's back to being the horse", mutters Scott from the horse head.

"It's a curse, I tell you", says Jean from the horse's butt, "a **CURSE**!"

"Why do I have to be stuck between you two freaks?", asks Warren form the middle.

"Well, the horse** has** to have wings", says Evan, "and, hey, guess what, **you** have wings!"

"I hate Todd Fan", mutters Warren.

Baby Sam bonks baby Jottern on the head, leaving a slightly dazed prop horse.

"I'm the dazed one", snaps Scott, "**I'M THE HEAD**!"

Baby Jottern and baby Sam hug, making the Gods sigh. Sabertooth takes this opportunity to hold his 'son'.

"Mind his head", says Mystique.

"I know", growls Sabertooth, "I've had a baby before, remember?"

"I'd rather forget", mutters Mystique.

"He's so tiny", smiles Sabertooth, "My boy. My little Samuel"

He tucks baby Sam, sucking on a little medalion around his neck, into his cloud crib, when there is a voice on the other side of the room.

"How sentimental"

"...It was the fire.. wasn't it?", asks Evan.

Yup. Pyro comes out of the darkness, his hair now a blue flame, thanks to our special effects team.

"You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat!", he grins, "Huh?"

He waits for an applause, only getting stern looks. He sighs, moving through the Gods.

"So is this an audience or a mosaic?", he asks, "Hey, how you doin'? Lookin' good. Nice dress".

Sabertooth pulls him into a bear hug

"Meep", squeaks Pyro.

"So Pyro, you finally made it", grins Sabertooth, "How are things in the underworld?"

Pyro takes Sabertooth's hand off his shoulder

"Well, they're just fine, you know, a little dark, a little gloomy, and as always, hey, full of dead people", says Pyro, "What are you gonna do?"

He notices Sam, heading over

"Ah! There's the little sunspot", he smirks.

"You called?", asks Roberto.

"No", says Evan.

"...Oh...okay.", Roberto mopes off, "I'll just keep standing here...being Apollo"

"Little smootchie", says Pyro, "And here is a sucker for the little sucker, eh?"

He creates a spiked sucker out of some dark cloud, moving to put it in baby Sam's mouth, only to have baby Sam crush his finger

"...Mother", whimpers Pyro, pulling his finger free, watching it bend in an unnatural way, "Sheesh! uh, powerful little tyke..isn' he?"

Sabertooth gives Pyro another hug

"Did someone give this guy happy drugs or something?", he asks.

Evan whistles innocently.

"...Maybe"

"Come on, Pyro", grins Sabertooth, "don't be such a stiff, join the celebration!"

Pyro manages to wriggle free out of the hug

"Hey, love to, babe, but unlike you gods lounging about up here, I regrettably have a full-time gig You, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Sabes, So.. can't", he says, "Love to, but can't"

"You ought to slow down, you'll work yourself to death", Sabertooth pauses at his accidental pun, ".. Hah! work yourself to death!"

The other Gods instantly start to laugh...even if it really isn't all that funny. Sabes laughs more, sitting back in a cloud chair

"Oh, I kill myself", he giggles.

"If only, if only...", mutters Pyro, narrowing his eyes as he walks away.

We go back to the muses, standing by another vase, showing a stairway from Olympus down to the Underworld

"If there's one god who don't want to get steamed up, it's Pyro", says Rogue

"'Cause he had an evil plan", says Kitty.

The scene changes to Pyro being carted across the river Styx, the muses singing coming in the background, as Dani starts to sing in low key, New Orleans Funeral style.

**He ran the Underworld**

**  
But thought the dead were dull and uncouth. **

**  
He was as mean as ruthless**

A couple of souls rise up from the Styx, clinging to Pyro's toga, he shoots a fireball at them, tossing them back in, then blowing the smoke from his finger, as Dani continues her song.

**And that's the gospel truth**

**He had a plan to shake things up**

We see a gigantic shadow, at which Pyro tosses a slab of meat at. It turns out to be Rahne, now Cerberus, her three heads scrap over the piece of meat as Pyro floats past.

"Meat, meat, meat!", chant the Rahnes.

**And that's the gospel truth!**, sings Dani.

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(1) – For those that don't know the comics, Graydon Creed is Saberooth and Mystique's human lovechild, leader of the Friends of Humanity and hater of mutants everywhere.

Ahh, the Gods, such fun. Hermes was always my favourite. Groovy, Babe! Do review. Until next time...


	3. A fate worse than death

It's all Greek to me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Fate? No I think is a guy gets hit by a bus it's because he wasn't looking"

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Magcat – When it comes to my parodies, it matters what's available, For instance, for this parody, I had an online script. If I can't get a script online, I buy the DVD and stick it on subtitles, pressing pause with every new line.

Dischickdigsdafuzzydude – The evil potion was in my Wild Wild West parody, which still needs to be re-written, now, sadly, from scratch, as the floppy disc with the parody on..err..died.

Skyysong – You're parodying IT? Stephen King's IT? Awesome! I still need to read that book, I have it, haven't read it. There's no way I can watch the movie, I have a mind numbing fear of clowns….yeah,

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ACT 3 - A Fate worse than death

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We see Pyro's boat dock, and he gets out by his Underworld castle, a big nasty skull

"...How homely", says Evan

"Pain!", snaps Pyro.

Freddy, now a little red imp waddles down the stairs

"I look like a red, fat Kurt, for crying out loud!", mutters Freddy,

"Hey!...I don't really look like that", Kurt pauses, "...do I?"

"Errrr...", Evan blinks, "**LINE**!"

"Coming, your most lugubriousness", says Freddy.

He trips on the stairs, bonking his head on each one as he goes down, before landing on a very pointy looking trident

"Owww that f..."

"**TWO LETTERS: P & G**!", yells Evan

"...I mean", Freddy whimpers, "...owie"

"Panic!", shouts Pyro.

Todd, now a greeny blue imp, with bizarre horns, also follows, having what appears to be a panic-attack.

"Why the role?", asks Todd.

Panic was my most favourite character in the movie, and so you, my favourite character in Evo, get to play him...even if he's a bit of a eerrr... wreck.

"Nifty keen", says Todd, then goes into Panic-mode, "Oh, I'm sorry, I can handle it!"

Obviously **not** handling it very well, he trips over Fred, sailing through the air before landing horns first in Fred's rear end.

"For the love of...!", shouts Freddy.

"Your character's name is **Pain**, get used to it", says Evan, "I thought you were invulnerable anyway!"

"I am", says Freddy, "...I was trying out my acting skills, pretending I **was** in pain"

"Stop that", says Evan

Fred stands to attention

"Pain", he says.

He turns around, so Todd is sideways, giving a salute

"And Panic", adds Todd.

"Reporting for duty!", they say cheerfully in unison.

Pyro blinks, before shaking his head, walking past them

"Fine, fine, fine, just let me know the instant the Fates arrive", he says.

Freddy yoinks Todd free, an both smile

"Oh! They're here!", says Todd happily.

Pyro's little blue flame turns into a huge inferno

"I **LOVE** this role!", giggles Pyro.

"..I'm glad we fire-proofed the set", muses Evan, "I really am"

"**WHAT!**", screams Pyro, "The Fates are here and you didn't tell me!"

Fred and Todd whimper, grovelling as, by our wonderfully, and way over-budgeted special effects make them shape-shift into worms.

"We are worms!", they whine in unison, "Worthless worms!"

Pyro pinches the bridge of his nose, his fire turning blue again

"Memo to me, memo to me", he mutters, "main you after my meeting"

The scene changes to a big cavern in the Underworld. Agatha, Destiny and Wanda are inside. Through the magic of special effects, it looks like they have blank eye sockets, with only one eyeball to share, which is currently in Destiny's singular eye socket.

"...Well, this is a flattering look", mutters Wanda.

"Darling, hold that mortal's thread of life good and tight", says Destiny.

Destiny cuts a thread with a pair of scissors, we hear a scream

"Incoming!", shouts Wanda joyfully.

The soul of Taryn sweeps through the room and into a hole, there is a pleasant little _ding_ as the counter above the hole adds a number to proudly declare 'Over 5000000001 served'. Pyro blinks, before giving a smile.

"Ladies! hah!", he says, "I am so sorry that I'm..."

"Late", the Fates say in unison.

"We knew you would be", says Agatha.

"We know everything", says Wanda

They pass the eyeball to each other, sticking it in their own eye sockets as they speak in turn

"Past", says Agatha.

"Present", says Wanda

"And future", says Destiny.

Destiny lowers her voice to Todd

"Indoor plumbing - it's gonna be big"

"Great. Great", says Pyro, "Anyway, see, Ladies, I was at this party, and I lost track of..."

"We know!", says the Fates in unison.

Pyro pauses, sighing, before walking over to a big map of the world in the middle of the cavern, with little figures representing various Gods and Monsters on it.

"Yeah. I know.. you know", he says, "So, here's the deal. Sabes, Mr High and Mighty, Mr. 'Hey, you, get off my cloud', now he has..."

"A bouncing baby brat", say the fates in unison, Wanda smacks Destiny on the head, popping out the eyeball and putting it in one of her eye sockets.

"We know".

Pyro's hair becomes an inferno again, before settling back

" I **KNOW**...you know", he snaps, before calming, "I know. I got it. I got the concept, so let me just ask: Is this kid gonna mess up my hostile takeover big, or what? What do you think?"

He creates a little figure of baby Sam in his crib, putting it on the board

"Uuuum", starts Wanda.

"Oh no, you don't. We are not supposed to reveal the future", says Destiny, sucking a spider up her nose.

"..Lovely", grimaces Evan.

"Oh wait, I'm sorry. Time out", says Pyro, "Can I? Can I ask you a question, by the way? Are you, did you cut your hair of something? You look fabulous"

He holds Wanda's hand playing with her hair, a strand falls out, which he quickly puts back in

"Moocher", growls Wanda, "I outta..."

"Don't you take my snugglebunnylumpkin away!", shouts Todd.

Wanda rolls her eyes, before giggling

"I mean, you look like a fate worse then death", smiles Pyro.

Wanda giggles more, causing Destiny to smack her on the head, her eyeball falling out into Todd's hands

"I got it, my love...", shouts Todd, he pauses, before passing it to Freddy, trying to wipe his hands on his sides, "Oh, gross!"

"Yech!", says Freddy, "It's blinkin'!"

Fred drops it, kicking it away. Pyro catches it, plucking off a hair and wiping it on his toga.

"Ladies, please, my fate...", he smiles, putting the eyeball in Wanda's hand, "Is in your lovely hands"

Wanda gives a happy squeak, looking at the other two

"Ohhh", she says.

"Oh, all right", sighs Agatha.

"Yeah!", says Wanda happily.

She releases the eye, which floats in the middle of the Fates as they form a circle. It turns into a light, showing pictures within it

"In 18 years precisely", says Destiny, "The planets will align ever so nicely"

The ball shows this happening

"Ay, verse!", says Pyro, "Oy"

"The time to act will be at hand", continues Destiny, "Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band"

It shows Bobby, Storm, Amara and Lance escaping, climbing Mt Olympus

"Mm-hmm, good, good", muses Pyro as Destiny continues.

"Then the once-proud Sabes will finally fall, And you, Pyro, will rule all!"

It shows Sabes failing to fight the Titans, and then Pyro standing over Mt Olympus. Pyro's hair turns into an inferno as he does a happy dance.

"Yes!", he shouts happily, "Pyro rules!"

"A word of caution to this tale", says Destiny, holding up a finger.

Pyro's inferno and happy dance ends abruptly

"Excuse me?"

The image shows Sam riding on Jottern, holding a sword, Pyro shrinking from the light

"Should Samuel fight, you will fail!", finishes Destiny.

The Fates cackle, all three sucking themselves into the ball, the ball itself plinking out of existence. Pyro blinks, before the inferno returns.

"**WHAT!"**

"She said you'd fail", says Evan helpfully.

Pyro clams down, running a hand through his flaming hair as it turns blue again

"Okay, fine, fine", eh says, "I'm cool, I'm fine"

We change a scene to a dinging elevator (or in my case, lift) which opens to show Pyro, Todd and Fred inside a chamber with skeletons inside, in the middle, something being held by an eerie light. Both imps flinch as the addresses them.

"Pain? Panic?", he says, "Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god?"

Fred holds up his hand as if her really knows the answer

"I...", he trails off, "do not... know"

"You can't", grins Todd, "They're immortal?"

"Bingo! They're immortal", says Pyro.

He takes a vial from the eerie light, showing it filled with red liquid.

"So, first you got to turn the little sunspot mortal", he growls.

"I am mortal", says Roberto, "...I think"

"For the last time, it's not you!", snaps Evan, "cut!"

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Well, wasn't that a fun act? Do review. Until next time...


	4. A Godnapping

It's all Greek to me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a 5 pay cut"

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Skysong – You can add 'Mam' to the Mum-Mom argument. That's' what I use, the Welsh version 

Happy 4th of July to those who celebrate it. Fireworks frighten me. Yes, yes they do.

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ACT 4 - A Godnapping

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We open on Mt Olympus at night, baby Jottern and baby Sam curled up in a crib, two ominous shadows loom over it and we hear something breaking, causing Mystique and Sabertooth to sit up in their bed.

"Last time I share a bed with **him**", mutters Mystique darkly.

"People, please", says Evan, "I haven't had my moo-juice yet and I'm cranky, so **GET TO WORK!**"

"The baby!", they shout in unison.

They run to the nursery, only to find Jottern with his head shoved up a basket

"**SAMUEL**!", screams Mystique

"Wow", says Evan "you do a **good** heartbroken mother!"

"Thank you", says Mystique, taking a bow, "I've had plenty of practise"

"Noooo!", shouts Sabertooth.

There are thunder clashes and we see Todd and Freddy flying, or trying to fly with their stubby elf wings, with baby Sam between them.

"Now we did it!", whimpers Todd, "Sabes is gonna use us for target practice!"

"Just hang onto the kid, Panic", says Freddy.

They hit the ground with a **THUNK** and baby Sam starts crying

"That **HURT**!", he cries.

Todd hops panicky from foot to foot

"..I can see why this guy is called 'Panic'", he says, "Hurry! Let's just kill the kid and get it over with, okay?"

Fred gets out the vial, and sticks it in baby Sam's mouth, who starts to drink it

"Here you go, kid, a little Grecian formula", he says.

"Look at that!", gasps Todd, "He's.. changing!"

As he drinks, baby Sam's Godly glow starts to...err...stop glowing

"Can we do it now?", pleads Todd.

"No, no, no", says Freddy, "he has to drink the whole potion! Every last drop"

"Spoilsport", mutters Todd.

They stops as they hear a voice

"Who's there?", Xavier pauses, "...I have to be the farmer!"

Todd and Fred dash off, dropping the -almost- empty vial, as one single drop hits the ground. Xavier wheels over, a torch stuck to his wheelchair, noticing baby Sam

"Gabriel, over here", Xavier pauses, "...my ex wife? This is too much!"

"Wow, Sabes and Mystique, Xavier and Gabriel...such evilness!", says Evan.

Gabriel notices baby Sam, and goes over, picking him up

"Oh, you poor thing!", she says, "Oh, don't cry...I miss being a mother"

"No comment", mutters Xavier then looks around, "Is anybody there?"

Todd and Fred peek out from behind a rock

"Now?", asks Todd.

"Now", nods Freddy.

They sneak toward the trio, their shadows showing them transforming into snakes

"Oh well, he must have been abandoned", shrugs Xavier.

"For so many years we've prayed to the gods to bless us with a child", sighs Gabriel.

"Look, I'm sorry the one we have is a physco", says Xavier, "**IT'S NOT MY FAULT**!"

"Can we keep personal issues off set, please?", asks Evan.

"Perhaps they've answered our prayers", muses Gabriel, then ads under her breath, "looser"

They look at the medallion around baby Sam's neck, with 'Samuel' written on the back

"Perhaps they have... Samuel?", he says, then mutters equally quietly, "cow"

Suddenly, the Todd and Fred snakes attack, only to have baby Sam grab them, he giggles smacking their heads into the ground a couple of times, before tying them into a knot, flinging them far away. Xavier and Gabriel watch, open mouthed as baby Sam giggles, waving them off. Todd and Fred hit a mountain with a **THUNK**, before dropping, changing into themselves, trying to untangle their tails.

"Pyro is gonna kill us when he finds out what happened", whimpers Todd.

"You mean,** if** he finds out", smirks Freddy

"Of course he's gonna f...", Todd trails off, then smiles, "If.. if is good"

The scene shows Olympus, with various Gods, including Kurt, Piotr, Roberto and X23, Sabes sending them off in various directions.

"It was tragic", Rogue's voice comes over the action, "Zeus led all the gods on a frantic search"

We cut to the muses standing by a few vases again

" But by the time they found the baby, it was too late", says Kitty sadly, as Amanda begins to sing.

**Young Sam was mortal now**

**  
But since he did not drink the last drop**

**  
He still retained his Godlike strength**

**  
So thank his lucky star! **

We see a picture of baby Sam throttling the Todd and Fred snakes on a vase. It then cuts to Sabes giving Mystique a hug on Mt Olympus, baby Jottern hovering by them, as this too changes into a scene on a vase, Amanda still singing.

**But Sabes and Raven wept **

**Oooooh oooh oooh**, intone the other muses as Amanda continues

**Because their son could never come home**

**  
They'd have to watch their precious baby **

**  
Grow up from afar**

**Though Pyro's horrid plan**

**  
Was hatched before Sam cut his first tooth**

We see Sam picking up his house to get a ball from under it on the vase

**The boy grew stronger ev'ry day **

**And that's the gospel truth! **

**The gospel truuuuth**, sing the muses together.

"And that's a wrap!", smiles Eva, "okay, now let's unbaby Sam, and will someone get Xavier and Gabriel from around each others throats?"

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Ahh such madness is healthy, I'm sure it is. Do review. Until next time…


	5. Growing pains

It's all Greek to me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "He's an idiot. Comes from upbringing. His parents are probably idiots too. Lorraine, if you ever have a kid that acts that way I'll disown you"

&&&&

Magcat – X-23 is indeed, Athena. It's sad she had such a small role in the movie, she was great fun in the show.

&&&

ACT 5 - Growing pains

&&&&

We open in the country side, where a hay wagon is going unnaturally fast. We see Xavier is sitting on the cart, next to him is Gauntlet stuffed into a donkey suit.

"A donkey!", asks Gauntlet.

"Yup, looks that way", smiles Evan, "Todd Fan thinks you're an ass. Bad dum bump!"

"Samuel", cries Xavier, "**SLOW DOWN**!"

We see Sam, now the gangly teen we know and love, is pulling the cart...or rather cannonballing as he drags the cart behind him. He enters a village, almost knocking a few random workers from the entrance

"Oops!", he calls over his shoulder, "S-s-sorry guys"

Sam enters the middle of the square and stops, burring himself into the ground shoulders-deep

"...After this, I'll go have a nice, relaxing drive with Kitty", says Xavier with a nervous laugh, "Thanks, son. When old Gauntlet twisted her ankle back there, I thought we were done for"

"**HER**!", screams Gauntlet.

"No problem, 'Pop'", smirks Sam.

He grabs the entire cart load of hay with one hand

"Uh, don't-don't-don't unload just yet. First I have to finagle with Petronette"

"Okay", says Sam, dropping the load back onto the cart, catapulting Gauntlet into the sky with a 'heee-haw', "Oops, sorry, Gauntlet".

"Now, Samuel, this time, please just...", starts Xavier.

"A'h know, a'h know", Sam sighs, catching Gauntlet as he drops to the ground, "Stay by the cart"

"That's my boy", smiles Xavier.

"Ah'm not even going to **say** the physiological damage this is doin' to me", sniffs Sam, "All these fathers, and not one is my real one!"

Xavier wheels off, leaving Sam alone. Sam notices Kelly struggling with a very large pot. He goes into his shop, catching it before it drops

"Careful!", says Sam cheerfully.

"Why thank you", says Kelly, not seeing who helped him.

"No problem", smiles Sam, peering around the side of the pot, not noticing Kelly's face turn into one of pure terror.

"Why, Samuel! It's you!". Says Kelly nervously.

"Let me, let me help you with that", offers Sam.

Kelly hugs the pot close to him protectively, even if it almost buries him

"No, no, no, no, no", he says, "I got it. I'm fine, you just run along"

"Are you sure?", asks Sam.

"Oh, yes. Absolutely", says Kelly.

Sam gives a sad sigh, walking out of the shop, when a discus lands at his feet. He picks it up, watching as Duncan, Lucid and Griff run over.(1)

"Yo!", shouts Duncan, "Give it here!"

"Hey, you need an extra guy?", asks Sam hopefully.

"Uh.. sorry, Sam. We already got", Duncan pauses, thinking not a normal part of his daily activities, "...five. And we want to keep it an even number"

Sam blinks

"Hey, wait a second", he says, "Five isn't an even..."

Duncan takes his chance, stealing the discus and running off

"See ya, Sam", he says.

"What a geek!", snorts Lucid

"Destructo boy", says Griff

"Maybe we should call him 'Jerkuel'", chuckles Duncan.

"...Well, they're friendly, aren't they?", says Sam sarcastically.

He sighs, sitting down and looking dejected before the discus makes it's way towards him again

"Heads up!", shouts Duncan.

"Ah..ah got it!", shouts Sam, jumping at it, and ending up sailing into a pillar, which starts to fall, "Uh-oh.. Oh no!.. It's okay"

He grabs it, but the one next to it collapses, causing a domino effect throughout the square, seeing this, Sam throws the pillar he was holding away, but it hits another standing pillar and another domino wave starts going around the square on the opposite side.

"Bet it sucks to be Sam right now", smiles Evan

Sam runs after the domino destruction, passing Xavier

"...Oh dear lord, looks like I'm bankrupt again", he says, "Son!"

"Hang on, Pop!", shouts Sam, "Be right back!"

By some cruel, yet funny twist of fate, both domino effects are heading for Kelly's shop in the middle. Kelly panics, gathering his pots in his arms, watching as the tide of destruction heads his way.

"Oh my! Oh no! Don't", he cries, "Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!"

Luckily, both pillars stop, seemingly sparing his shop...until Sam slips on the ground, hurtling into the shop, bringing it all down on Kelly's head. When the dust settles, there is no more market square. None of the villagers look too happy with Sam, who picks up the discus. Duncan comes over, snatching it from him.

"Nice catch, Jerkuel", sneers Duncan.

Xavier goes over to comfort Sam

"..Son"

Kelly yoinks his head out of a clay pot

"This is the last straw, Xavier!", he snarls.

"That boy is a menace!", shouts Mrs Pryde

"He's too dangerous to be around normal people!", shouts Mr Pryde

"He didn't mean any harm, he's just a kid. He", Xavier sighs, "he just can't control his strength"

"I am warning you. You keep that-that-that", Kelly waves his hands, ".. **freak** away from here!"

The crowd agrees, and the scene cuts to Sam and Xavier sitting on a grassy hillside, overlooking the valley

"Son", says Xavier, "one day, all of this will be yours, everything the light touches..."

"...Wrong movie", points out Evan.

"...Sorry", coughs Xavier, "Son, you shouldn't let those things they said back there get to you"

"But Pop, they're right. A'h...a'h am a freak. A'h try to fit in, a'h really do. A'h just can't. Sometimes", Sam sighs, ".. a'h feel like, like a'h really don't belong here. Like ah'm supposed to be.. someplace else"

"...Great...guilt", mutters Xavier, "Samuel, son..."

"A'h know it doesn't make any sense", says Sam, loping off to the edge of a cliff.

"**Don't jump, Sam**!", screams Evan, "the trauma isn't real!"

Sam picks up a rock, considering tossing it at Evan's head, before tossing it into the sea, it skims over the ocean out of sight as Sam begins to sing.

**A'h have often dreamed of a far off place **

**  
Where a great, warm welcome will be waiting for me **

**  
Where the crowds will cheer when they see my face **

**  
And a voice keeps sayin' this is where Ah'm meant to be**

We cut to Sam walking through a forest, before climbing up a tree, looking at the starry sky, still singing.

**A'h will find my way a'h can go the distance **

**  
Ah'll be there someday **

**  
If a'h can be strong **

**  
A'h know every mile **

**  
Will be worth ma'h while **

**  
A'h would go 'most anywhere to feel like a'h belong. **

He heads back home, where Gabriel and Xavier are waiting by the door for him

"Samuel, there's something your mother and I have been meaning to tell you", he says.

We cut inside, where he is sitting with his 'parents'

"But if you found me, then where did a'h come from?", asks Sam, "Why was a'h left here?"

Gabriel opens up a package on her lap, revealing the medallion Sam wore as a baby

"This was around your neck when we found you. It's the symbol of the gods", Gabriel sighs, "...kinda reminds me of something David had, before his mind was melded away"

"A pox on you, woman", snaps Xavier, pointing a finger at her, "**a pox**!"

Sam picks up the medallion, grinning and standing up.

"This is it! Don't you see?", he says excitedly, "Maybe they have the answers! Ah'll go to the temple of Sabes and..."

He pauses, looking at Xavier and Gabriel

"Ma, Pop, you're the greatest parents anyone could have, but", he sighs, ".. A'h..a'h gotta know"

We cut to the next morning, where Gabriel puts a shawl around Sam's shoulders, he hugs both her and Xavier, before heading off, going through mountain ranges, knocking over trees to get over chasms and such, going back to his song.

**A'h am on my way **

**  
A'h can go the distance **

**  
A'h don't care how far **

**  
Somehow ah'll be strong **

**  
A'h know every mile **

**  
Will be worth my while **

**  
A'h would go most everywhere to find where a'h belong. **

He heads off, following a sign pointing the way to the Temple of Sabes. He enters the temple, where a hug stone statue of Sabes is sitting. He looks at his medallion, which matches the one of Sabes' shoulder.

"Oh mighty Sabes, please, hear me and answer ma'h prayer", he says, "A'h need to know: Who am A'h? Wh-where do A'h belong?"

A gust of wind sweep through the temple, as a bolt of lightening hits Sabes. Flame ignites in braziers and Sabes' statue comes to life. Gods bless special effects

"My boy", says the stone Sabertooth, "My little Samuel"

He reaches down to pick Sam up. Sam's mouth twitches, before he runs the opposite way, screaming. Being Sam, he clumsily tips over a brazier, a candle getting stuck in his mouth. Sabes catches him as he tries to wriggle out of his huge stone hands...like a little tiny hamster.

"Hey, hey, hey, hold on kiddo!", he chuckles, "What's your hurry? After all these years is this a kind of hello to give your father?"

Sam's head pokes out between Sabes' fingers

"Father?", he squeaks.

Sabes grins holding him on his outstretched palm

"Now a'h know how Shortpack feels", mutters Sam (2)

"Didn't know you had a famous father, did you?", grins Sabertooth, "**SUPRISE**!"

As he bellows, a gust of wind almost knocks Sam off his feet

"Oww", mutters Sam.

"Look how you've grown", smiles Sam, "Why you've got your mother's beautiful eyes... and my strong chin. Hah!"

"If that were really true, a'h would have to hurt ma'hself", says Sam.

"Just play your part", snaps Evan, "what am I paying you people for!"

"...Paying?", asks Sabertooth.

"A'h...a'h don't understand", says Sam, "If you are ma'h father, that would make me a..."

"A god", nods Sabertooth

"A god", Sam blinks, "**A GOD**!"

Sam blinks again, sitting down heavily on Sabe's palm.

"Hey, you wanted answers, and by thunder, you're old enough to know the truth", says Sabertooth.

"But why did you leave me on earth?", asks Sam, "Didn't you want me?"

"Of course we did", says Sabertooth, "Your mother and I loved you with all our hearts but someone stole you from us and turned you mortal, and only gods can live on Mount Olympus"

"And you can't do a thing?", asks Sam.

"I can't, Samuel, but you can", smiles Sabertooth.

"R-really? W-what? A'h-ah'll do anything", says Sam.

"Samuel, if you can prove yourself a true hero on Earth, your godhood will be restored!", Sabertooth grins, "**MAN**, I'd make a good motivational speaker!"

"A true hero. Great!", Sam pauses, "Uh, exactly how do you become a true hero?"

"First, you must seek out Loganctetes, the trainer of heroes", Saberooth snorts, "Tee hee"

"Seek out Loganctetes. Right. Ah'll..."

Sam goes to step forwards, forgetting he is on Sabertooth's palm, falling off, Sabertooth catches him, lowering him to the ground

"Whoa! Hold your horses!", Sabertooth grins, "Which reminds me..."

Sabes gives a whistle. After a rather large scuffle, a star drops through the roof, turning into Jottern, luckily for the idiots inside, is now adult

"Ha-ha! You probably don't remember Jottern but you two go way back, son", says Sabertooth.

Jottern lands next to Sam, sniffing him before bonking his head and licking him

"...Scott?", asks Jean.

"Evan gave me some magic pixie drink", giggles Scott.

"...We're stuck in this suit with a drunk leading us", Warren whimpers, "Jean.. I believe we are going to die"

"Only the horse head may speak", says Evan, smacking the middle and rear of the horse with a spike, "and that's to make birdy-horsey noises!"

"Oh, Jottern!", grins Sam, giving Jottern a hug.

"He is a magnificent horse", says Sabertooth.

"**HEY**!", snaps Jean, "he?"

"This horse is more than half male, so you lose!", laughs Scott.

"With the brain of a bird", smiles Sabertooth

Jottern's wings droop

"I can't help but feel that last comment was aimed at me", Warren gives a small sob within the horse, "I think I need a hug"

"Okay!", says Scott cheerfully.

The panto horse scuffles around for a few moments before a loud 'smack' is heard.

"I was talking to Jean", growls Warren.

Sam jumps onto Jottern's back, with a few groans about hurt backs before Jottern takes to the air.

"Ah'll find Loganctetes and become a true hero!", says Sam.

"That's the spirit!", grins Sabertooth.

"A'h won't let you down, father!", says Sam.

Sabertooth blows on Jottern, sending them off into the night sky

"Yee-haw!", shouts Sam

"..Yee-haw?", asks Jean.

"Good luck, son", says Sabertooth, turning back into solid stone as Sam sings.

**A'h will beat the odds **

**  
A'h can go the distance **

**  
A'h will face the world **

**  
Fearless, proud and strong **

**  
A'h will please the gods **

**  
A'h can go the distance **

**  
Till a'h find my hero's welcome right where a'h belong **

As they fly beyond the clouds, we see above them the planets getting closer to alignment

"Ahhh foreshadowing", says Evan darkly.

&&&&

(1) – Griff appears now and again in my fics for reasons I cannot fathom. He was one of Lance's Chicago friends waaaay back in 'X-Impulse', only the second episode of the show.

(2) – For those who didn't read the Mystique comics, nor my Sidney Chronicles, Shortpack is a telepath who shrank with puberty, ending up being 8 inches tall. Shortpack rules, he's one of my favourite Marvel characters (and so, fades into obscurity).

---

Yee haw, indeed! Do review, until next time...


	6. Tool of the goat man

It's all Greek to me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "And so our grand quest begins. Follow me ... to victory! I have no idea where I'm going"

&&&&

And here we are, with another chapter title giving a nod to the TV series, what Icarus calls Hercules a number of times. Cookies for everyone who gets the comic hero's (and ship) I snuck into this scene

&&&&

ACT 6 - Tool of the Goat-man

&&&&

Sam and Jottern finally land on an island, that seems deserted, bar from a whole lot of goats jumping around, bleating

"You sure this is the right place?", asks Sam.

"What are you asking me for?", mutters Scott, "Wings was flying us!"

"All I can see is your...", mutters Warren.

"People", says Evan, "**please**! focus!"

Jottern gives a nod, before giggling is heard. Sam goes over to some bushes, peering through, seeing Scaleface, Dr Deborah Ristman and Kelly's assistant, Dorothy dressed as Nymphs.

"Wow...you're using unimportant characters now too?", asks Sam.

"**UNIMPORTANT**!", snarls Scaleface.

"He didn't mean you, Scaleface", laughs Evan nervously, "This is a very big cast, bigger than Evo's main one..so there!"

Sam hears a bleat, seeing a pair of goat legs sticking out of the bush

"What's the matter, little guy? You stuck?", he asks.

He reaches down, plucking the 'goat' out of the bush, only to find he has Logan's torso, go special effects!

"**HAH**!", laughs Sabertooth off-stage

"Bite me, Creed", mutters Logan, before glaring at Sam, "Whoa! Hey, butt out, buddy!"

Sam gives a yelp of surprise, dropping Logan. This scares the nymphs, sending them running in all direction, turning into flowers and the like as Logan chases after them.

"Girls! Stop! Stop! Come back, come back, come back", he sighs as Scaleface turns into a tree, "Whoa, whoa. Oh, nymphs! They can't keep their hands off me"

Scaleface, the tree, wallops Logan with her branches. Logan mutters, rubbing his head as he walks over to Sam, who is still gawping at him.

"Okay, I know I look weird, quit it!", mutters Logan, "What's the matter? You never seen a satyr before?"

"Uh.. no", says Sam, "Can you help us? We're looking for someone called Loganctetes"

Logan picks up a bowl of grapes, tosses the grapes out and casually begins to eat the bowl

"Call me Logan"

Sam grins, grabbing Logan's hand, shaking it, crushing it at the same time

"Logan!", he says.

"Owwww!", says Logan, looking at his damaged hand, "how can this kid break adamantium bones? **HOW!**"

"Boy, am a'h glad to meet you!", says Sam, "Ah'm Samuel. This is Jottern"

Before Logan can get over his crushed hand, Jottern licks him

"Pixie drink, pixie drink!", giggles Scott.

"Aaaaaanimals!", bleats Logan, "Disgusting!"

"Oh, bleat again, it's fun!", grins Sabertooth, clapping his hands.

"A'h need your help", says Sam, "A'h want to become a hero. A true hero"

"Sorry, kid, can't help ya", says Logan.

He goes inside his little door, his house made out of a huge stone head, slamming the door behind him.

"Wait!", shouts Sam.

He goes to pull open the door, ending up pulling it off, Logan still attached to the other side

"Whah!", says Logan, dangling from the door handle.

"Uh, sorry", says Sam, "Why not?"

Logan snatches his door from Sam, going to fix it back onto his house

"Two words: I am retired"

Sam blinks, counting on his fingers, before dismissing it

"Look, a'h gotta do this", he says, "Haven't you ever had a dream, something you wanted so bad you'd do anything?"

Logan sighs, gesturing Sam inside his house

"Kid, come inside", he says, "I want to show you something"

As Sam goes inside, Jottern tries to follow, only managing to get his front half in, the rest becoming stuck.

"**OWWWW**!", snap Jean and Warren.

"Mmm", ponders Scott, "I appear to be caught on something"

"Yeah", says Warren, "**us**!"

"Idiot", hisses Jean

Inside Logan's house, we see many, many different memorabilia from various Comic myths. Sam, being the tall klutz he is bangs his head on a piece of wood hanging from the ceiling.

"Watch it!", snaps Logan, "That was part of the mast of the Oracle!"

"**The** Oracle!", asks Sam in wonder.

"Yeah. Who do you think taught Namor how to sail? Sue Storm?", Logan snorts, "I trained all those would-be heroes. Clarkeus, Flasheus, Grimmeseus. A lot of 'yeuseus'".

He sighs, flipping a plate, showing a certain green-skinned super-hero being pummelled into the ground

"And every single one of those bums let me down", he says, "Flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance"

He stops by a huge statue of Captain America

"And then there was Steveilles", he says with pride, "Now there was a guy who had it all - the build, the foot speed. He could jab, he could take a hit, he could keep on comin'"

Logan pauses before growling

"But that furshlugginer heel of his! He barely gets nicked there once and..", he flicks the statue's heel, the statue crumbles into dust, "Kaboom! He's history!"

Logan gives a defeated sigh, walking over to a piece of cloth folded up

"Yeah, I had a dream once", he says, "I dreamed I was gonna train the greatest hero there ever was"

He hangs the cloth up, showing little holes cut out in the shape of a hero, standing in the night sky, the light shining through the holes making it look like they were stars

"So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars... All across the sky, and people would say, 'That's Logan's boy'", Logan sniffs, "That's right"

Logan gives another sniffle before frowning, tearing down the cloth, Sam standing behind it in place of the stars

"Eh, but dreams are for rookies", he says, "A guy can only take so much disappointment"

"But a'h am different than those other guys, Logan!", says Sam, "A'h can go the distance Come on, ah'll show you"

He grabs Logan's arm, dragging him outside

"Geez, you don't give up, do ya?", mutters Logan.

"Watch this!", says Sam proudly.

He picks up an enormous stone discus, twirling it around in the air before releasing it, letting it fly into the distance. Logan's jaw drops, his head cocked to the side.

"Holy Raven.. You know maybe if I...", he blinks, snaking his head clear, "No! Snap out of it! I am too old to get mixed up in this stuff again!"

"But if a'h don't become a true hero, ah'll never be able to rejoin my father, Sabes", says Sam sadly.

Logan pauses

"Hold it! Sabes is your father, right?"

"Uh-huh", says Sam as Logan begins to snicker.

"Sabes! The big guy. He's your daddy! Mr. Lightning Bolts, Read me a book, will ya.. da-da?", Logan laughs, mimicking Sabertooth, pulling off his voice very well, "Once upon a time..."

"...That scares me a little", says Sabertooth.

Logan collapses in a fit of laughter

"It's the truth!", protests Sam.

"Please!", says Logan, sliding down a bank, landing among a garden full of statute, beginning to sing.

**So you wanna be a hero, kid, well, whoop-de-do **

**  
I have been around the block before with blockheads just like you **

**  
Each and every one was disappointment **

**Pain for which there ain't no ointment **

Jottern sniffs a little statue, making a stone head of a gorgon land on Logan's head. Logan winces, before continuing to sing.

**So much for excuses **

**  
Though 'a kid of Sabes' is **

**  
Asking me to jump into the fray **

**  
My answer is two words **

He doesn't notice the storm clouds gathering around him until he is hit by a lightening bolt

"**MAN**!", Laughs Sabertooth, "That felt **GOOD**!"

Logan coughs out his next word, smoke coming out of his mouth

"Okay"

Sam grins, happily following a less than enthusiastic Logan

"You mean you'll do it?"

"You win", sighs Logan

"You won't be sorry, Logan", assures Sam

"Oh, gods".

"So when do we start?", asks Sam eagerly, "Can we start now?"

"Oy, vay", Logan sighs, before dragging out a big case hidden behind bushes, going back to his musical number.

**I'd given up hope that someone would come along **

**  
A fella who'd ring the bell for once not the gong **

Sam goes to help, only pulling the entire chest up, dropping the contents on Logan's head

"I'm glad I have a healing factor, I really am", mutters Logan.

Logan grabs a trophy, saying 1 place, until he wipes the dust off it, showing it was **actually** 11th place, as he sings.

**The kind who wins trophies **

**  
Won't settle for low fees **

**  
At least semi-pro fees **

**  
But nooooooo, I get the greenhorn! **

He squeaks as Sam tries to pull a sword out of a tree, uprooting the whole thing, dropping it on top of Logan, covering his horns in olives

**I've been out to pasture, pal, my ambition gone **

**  
Content to spend lazy days and to graze my lawn **

We see Logan 'grazing' his lawn with an army of goats, and the run down garden turning into a great training-field

"Grass...yuck...", Logan pulls a face before going back to singing.

**But you need an advisor **

**  
A satyr, but wiser **

**  
A good merchandiser and...whhhhooooaaa!**

He tries to right Sam's arrow-shooting, only to be shot himself into a few bushes and then a wall

"There goes my ulcer!", he winces.

**I'm down to one last hope and I hope it's you **

**Though, kid, you're not exactly a dream come true **

We see Logan standing on a pillar, measuring Sam's non muscles, shaking his head and making him do pushups, Jottern counting them

"Come on you spineless wussy", says Scott, "feel the burn!"

Sam tries to balance a egg on a spoon, while walking a tightrope, not surprisingly, he drops it on Logan's head, the eggs, through Logan's rage, boil, which Jottern licks off

**I trained enough turkeys **

**  
Who never came through **

**  
You're my only last hope **

**  
So you'll have to do **

We cut to autumn, where a doll 'damsel' is tied to a stick, surrounded by fire

"Rule number 6", says Logan, "When rescuing a damsel, always handle with care"

Sam grabs the 'damsel' her limbs falling off. He trips on a log crossing a river, falling in, watching as the 'damsel's' head floats past

"No!", shouts Logan.

We see Sam surrounded by cut-out monsters, all with targets on them, Sam holding a bunch of throwing knives

"Rule number 95, kid", says Logan, "Concentrate!"

Sam tosses the knives, pinning Logan to the tree, missing a VERY important part of Logan's anatomy by inches

"Meep", squeaks Logan, "Rule number 96: Aim!"

It turns to winter, where the 'damsel', now with her eye popping out and seams falling apart, is hanging from a cliff

**Demigods have faced the odds and ended up a mockery **

**  
Don't believe in the stories that you read on all the crockery **

Sam swings across on a rope, grabbing the 'damsel' only to swing past a cliff, tearing her apart. We see another training programme, where the monster targets are moving, every one of Sam's knives miss, except the last one he tosses half-heartedly. Logan, meanwhile, is still signing.

"This song has been sung all year" mutters Evan.

**To be a true hero, kid, is a dying art **

**  
Like painting a masterpiece it's a work of heart **

**It takes more then sinew **

**  
Comes down to what's in you **

**  
You have to continue To grow! **

Through the magic of ruthless training, we now have a bigger, buffer Sam. Logan is now balanced on many pillars to measure his muscles, which break the tape

"Now that's more like it!", says Logan

"Buff Sam...hot buff Sam...", chant the X-Girls

Sam gives a nervous laugh, making a mental note to take the back way out.

**I'm down to one last shot and my last high note **

**  
Before that blasted underworld gets my goat **

**  
My dreams are on you, kid **

**  
Go make 'em come true**

**Climb that uphill slope **

**  
Keep pushing that envelope **

**  
You're my one last hope **

**  
And, kid, it's up to you **

Sam goes through a obstacle course, managing to rescue the 'damsel' and cut the heads off all the monsters. Sam grins, dropping the battered 'damsel' on Logan's horns, giving Jottern a high-five.

"Did you see that?", grins Sam, "Next stop, Olympus!"

"All right, just take it easy, champ", says Logan

"A'h am ready, a'h want to get off this island", says Sam, "A'h want to see battles and monsters! Rescue some damsels.. You know, heroic stuff"

Jottern perches on Sam's shoulder giving Logan puppy eyes

"Well..", starts Logan

"Aw, come on, Logan", says Sam.

"Well, okay, okay. You want a road test? Saddle up, kid", Logan grins, "We're going to Bayville!"

&&&&&

Next up, you finally get to meet our Meg! Do review. Until next time..


	7. DID

It's all Greek to me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "The time-traveling is just too dangerous. Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe: women!"

&&&

Dischickdigsdafuzzydude – The quote was from Xaiolin Showdown. But yes, I agree, that wacky inventor rules.

Well done for those who took a guess at my Superhero's, here they are: The Oracle was the ship Namor's father sailed, Namor is the Submariner, Sue Storm is the Invisible Woman from Fantastic Four, Clarkeus is Clark Kent, AKA Superman, Flasheus is, well, Flash, and Grimmeus is Ben Grimm, AKA the ever lovin' blue eyed Thing. The green crockery guy was the Hulk and Stevilles was, of course, Steve Richards, Captain America.

&&&

ACT 7 - D.I.D

&&&

We open with Sam and Logan riding in the sky on Jottern

"So, what's in Bayville?", asks Sam.

"A lot of problems...", Logan laughs, "**no kiddin'**!. It's a big tough town, good place to start building a rep"

They pause as they hear a woman screaming

"That hurt my poor sensitive ears", says Logan, "Sounds like your basic D.I.D. - Damsel In Distress"

Jottern dives to the ground, landing in a swamp

"Ewwww, we're never going to get the swamp smell out of this costume", moans Jean.

They pull back some bushes, to see Tabby running through the swamp

"I get hot buff Sam", grins Tabby, "ooooh yeah!"

"….", says Sam.

Close behind Tabby is Lucas, now in a centaur suit

"I kinda wish Todd Fan never saw season 4", he grumbles, "she's taken a liking tae me".

Lucas grabs Tabby in his hands

"Not so fast, sweetheart"

"I swear, Lucas", growls Tabby, "Put me down or I'll..."

"Whoo! I like 'em fiery!", grins Lucas.

"Bad dum bump", says Evan.

Sam narrows his eyes from the bushes as Logan tries to instruct

"Now remember, kid", he says, "First, analyze the situation. Don't just barrel in there without thinking. Eh?"

He blinks, seeing Sam already making his way towards them

"**I HATE KIDS**!", screams Logan, "He's losin' points for this!"

Lucas attempts to sneak a kiss from Tabby, while she pushes his face away

"Halt!", Sam pauses, "Ooooh, a'h have a good hero voice"

Both Lucas and Tabby blink at him. Lucas snorts, leaning down to glare at Sam

"Step aside, two legs", he growls.

"Pardon me, my good, uh, uh", Sam pauses, "... sir. Ah'll have to ask you to release that young..."

"Keep movin', junior", says Tabby, unimpressed.

Sam pauses, blinking

" ...lady", Sam finishes, then blinks, "But you...are...aren't you a damsel in distress?"

Tabby rolls her eyes, from where she's still stuck in Lucas' hand

"I am a damsel, I am in distress. I can handle this", she gives him a sweet smile, "Have a nice day"

"This isn't a Siren thing again.. is it?", asks Evan, rolling his eyes.

"Bite me, cocktail stick!", snaps Tabby.

Sam falters, before clearing his throat

"Uh..ahem", he goes back to his hero voice, "Ma'am, ah'm afraid you may be too close to the situation to realize..."

Sam draws his sword, only to have Lucas swat him away as if he were a fly. Sam blinks, losing his sword in the swamp water

"Ohhh! What are you doin'?", shouts Logan, "Get your sword!"

" Right, right.. Rule number15", says Sam, "A hero is only as good as his weapon!"

He pulls what he **thinks** is a sword out of the swamp, it turning out to be a fish, which screams.

"...Screaming fish", Evan blinks, "...'kay"

Lucas blinks, before laughing, while Tabby, for a damsel in distress, looks quite frankly, bored. Lucas swats Sam away again, while Logan holds back Jottern from getting involved in the fight.

"The magic pixies tell me to fight, to fight!", shouts Scott

"See, Jean?", moans Warren, "He's already trying to get us killed!"

"Whoa! Hold it! Hold on!", says Logan, "He's gotta do it on his own. Come on, kid! Concentrate! Use your head!"

Sam blinks, before smiling

"Oh..."

He cannonballs into Lucas, sending him flying off into the waterfall, Tabby being tossed into the water.

"All right! Not bad, kid", Logan cheers, then pauses, "...Not exactly what I had in mind, but not bad".

Tabby sits up in the water, completely drenched, her hair covering her face. Sam winces, walking over to pick her up, putting her on a tree branch out of the way.

"Oh, gee, Miss, Ah'm...ah'm really sorry", he says, "That was dumb"

(namused, Tabby pulls back her hair

"Yeah"

Suddenly, Lucas comes charging out of the waterfall again

"That bloody hurt!", he snaps.

"Excuse me", says Sam.

Her runs off to fight with Lucas again, while Tabby tries to squease the water out of her hair. Logan hopping onto a stone next to her to cheer Sam on.

"Nice work", cheers Logan, "Excellente!"

"Is wonderboy here for real?", laughs Tabby.

"What are you talking about? Of course he's real", Logan groans, "...do I have to do this line? It makes me feel cheap and nasty...like Sabertooth"

"**HEY**!", growls Sabertooth from backstage.

"Sorry, Logan, it's in the script", shrugs Evan.

Logan shudders, before smiling, sidling up to Tabby

"And by the way, sweet cheeks, I am real too"

"Ugh", says Tabby, rolling eye eyes and punching him into the water.

Meanwhile, Sam is rodeo-riding Lucas, before jumping off, punching him high into the air. Lucas comes back to earth, three horseshoes landing on his head, making a goose egg, before the fourth one lands around the bump. Jottern flies over, blowing on Lucas lightly

"Thank ye and goodnight!", says Lucas.

Lucas collapses into the water. Jottern dances happily on his unconcious body

"Dancey, dancey, dancey!", giggles Scott.

"Die you hot, hot guy you!", says Jean.

"Huh?", asks Scott.

"Great, I'm stuck in the middle of a soap opera", moans Warren.

"How was that, Logan?", asks Sam, grinning.

"Rein it in, rookie. You can get away with mistakes like those in the minor decathlons, but this is the big leagues", says Logan.

"At least a'h beat him", protests Sam, "Didn't a'h?"

"Next time don't let your guard down because of a pair of big goo-goo eyes!", snaps Logan, "It's like I keep tellin' ya. You gotta stay focused, and you..."

Sam, not focused, wanders off to check on Tabby. Jottern holds his hoof up for a high five, but is ignored completely as Sam passes him.

"...Awww, I feel so unloved", says Scott sadly.

Jottern growls at Tabby, crossing his forelegs and snorting, Logan repeating the process with a bleat.

"Are you, uh, all right", Sam asks, "Miss, uh..."

Tabby stands up, Sam getting a face-full of wet hair

"...Eww..swamp water", he says.

"Tabara. My friends call me Tabby", Tabby pauses to consider this, "...At least they would if I had any friends"

She hands Sam a sandle while she goes on trying to get swamp gunk out of her hair and outfit.

"So, did they give you a name along with all those rippling pectorials?", she asks.

Sam, being Sam, and a nervous wreak around anyone of the opposite sex

"Okay, a'h get it", snaps Sam, "What's wrong with being good an' wholesome? **Huh?**!"

Sorry, nothing, nothing at all. Sam, manages to forget exactly **WHAT **his name is for a moment, and starts to stammer.

"Uh, ah'm, um, uh.."

"He's so cute! Can I keep him?", giggles Tabby, "Are you always that articulate?"

She smiles, taking her sandle back

"Samuel..my..ahem", Sam coughs, "Ma'h name is Samuel"

"Samuel, huh?", Tabby smirks, "I think I prefer wonderboy"

Jottern lands next to Sam, trying to cover his face with a wing

"White, all you will see is white!", says Warren.

Sam brushes his feathers aside, looking through them.

"So, uh, how..", Sam pauses, "How-how'd you get mixed up with the, uh..."

"Pinhead with hooves?", asks Tabby, "Well, you know how men are. They think that 'no' Means 'yes' and "get lost" means 'take me, I'm yours'"

Sam nods along, trying to make it seem like he knows what's she talking about before looking confusedly at Jottern, who shrugs.

"Don't worry, Shorty here can explain it to ya later", she says, pointing at Logan, "Well, thanks for everything, Sam. It's been a real slice"

"You sound a little bit like Forge", says Evan.

"Wait!", says Sam, "Um.. can we give you a ride?"

Jottern snorts, flying up into the branches

"Three people?", shouts Warren, "Not counting the idiots I'm stuck in the costume with, are you nuts?. I can't lift **that** much!"

"Uh, I don't think your Pinto likes me very much", says Tabby, looking up.

"Jottern?", Sam laughs, "Oh, no, don't be silly. He'd be more than happy to...ow!"

An apple bonks him on the head, he looks up to see Jottern whistling innocently.

"The pixies did it", says Scott.

"I'll be all right. I'm a big, tough girl", says Tabby, punching his arm, "I tie my own sandals and everything"

She waves, walking off, swaying her hips

"Bye-bye Wonderboy"

Sam waves, a goofy smile on his face

"Bye... ", he sighs, "She's something, isn't she, Logan?"

"Yeah, oh yeah, she's really something", nods Logan, "**A real pain in the patella**! Earth to Sam!"

He jumps on Sam's shoulder, squeasing his nose

"Come in Sam! Come in Sam!", he shouts, "We got a job to do, remember? Bayville is still waitin'"

He whistles, Jottern flying from the tree, picking them both up

"Yeah", sighs Sam, "Yeah. a'h know"

Tabby watches them fly off before going deeper into the deep dark woods, a rabbit and a gopher jumping into her path

"**BUNNY**!"

There is a crash from backstage

"I think Forge is dead", comes Danielle's voices form backstage.(1)

"...There goes our special effects team of one", sighs Evan, "Jason, fill in with illusions until Forge regains conciousness"

"Aw.. how cute", says Tabby, then frowns, "A couple of rodents looking for a theme park".

The bunny frowns, speaking in Freddy's voice.

"Who you callin' a rodent, sister?", he points at his fluffy white tail, "I'm a bunny!"

"And I'm his gopher", nods the gopher in Todd's voice.

"Ta-dah!", they says as they shift into their own forms.

"I thought I smelled a rat", Tabby sighs.

A stream of smoke brushes against her chin

"Tabby", grins Pyro.

"Speak of the devil", says Tabby, rolling her eyes.

Pyro floats her over to him on his smoke

"Tabby, my little flower, my little bird, my little nut, Tabby", he smiles, "What exactly happened here?"

He creates a chess board out of his smoke, a few monsters on it, including Lucas

"I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team for the uprising", he sighs, "and here I am, kind of river guardian-less"

"I gave it my best shot", says Tabby, "but he made me an offer I had to refuse"

"Fine. So, instead of subtracting two years from your sentence, hey, I'm gonna add two on, okay?", says Pyro, dissipating the chess board, "Give that your best shot"

"Look, it wasn't my fault", snaps Tabby, "It was that Wonderboy, Samuel"

Pyro blinks. Todd starts hopping around worriedly around by Freddy

"Samuel?", squeaks Todd, "Why does that name ring a bell?"

"I don't know", Freddy shrugs, "Um, maybe we owe him money?"

"As a matter of fact…", starts Sam, backstage.

Pyro walks over to by Tabby, leaning on the tree

"What was that name again?"

"Samuel", says Tabby, not noticing Pyro's hair flame up, "He comes on with this big, innocent farm boy routine but I could see through that in a peloponnesian minute"

"A'h **AM** a innocent farm boy!", protests Sam.

"Wait a minute. Wasn't Samuel the name of that kid we were" Freddy trails off, "...supposed...to"

Both Todd and Freddy blink before screaming

"Oh my gods!", they scream in unison.

"Run for it!", screams Freddy.

They do so, screaming. Pyro catches them, dragging them back, chocking them

"So you took care of him, huh? Dead as a door nail", growls Pyro, "Weren't those your exact words?"

"This might be a different Samuel!", tries Freddy.

"Yeah! I mean, Samuel is a very popular", Todd's voice goes weird as Pyro chocks the life out of him, " name nowadays!"

"Remember, like, a few years ago every other boy was named Paul and the girls were all named Riley?", tries Freddy.(2)

Pyro twitches.

"I'm about to rearrange the Cosmos and the one **schlemiel **who can louse it up is waltzing around **IN THE WOODS**!"

He tosses Todd and Freddy to the ground, who change into corcroaches, Pyro explodes, sending flames all over the place. Tabby calmly ducks one as he calms down again, Todd and Freddy turning back to themselves

"Wait. Wait, big guy", says Freddy, "We can still cut in on his waltzing"

"That's right! And-and-and at least we made him mortal", says Todd, "that's a good thing. Didn't we?"

"Hmm.. Fortunately for the three of you we still have time to correct this rather egregious oversight", says Pyro, pulling them close as smoke ominously surrounds them, "And this time, no foul-ups"

&&&

(1) – If you really, really, really don't know my fics, I gave Forge a crippling phobia of rabbits. Yes, I'm evil.

(2) – Paul was Scott's friend who vanished and Riley is 'Rah-Rah-Riley', who used to bully Kitty.

Ooooh spookie. Do review. Until next time...


	8. The big olive

It's all Greek to me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "You've got guts, kid! And you've got spunk! Not to mention moxy! You've got guts, spunk, and moxy!"

&&&

ACT 8 - The big olive.

&&&

We open on Logan and Sam flying on Jottern over Bayville

"Wow! Is that all one town?", asks Sam in awe.

"One town", says Logan, "A million troubles"

"**BECAUSE OF THE MUTANTS**!", screams Kelly backstage.

"Who let him out of his box!", shouts Evan, "Get him back in there!"

"But it's dark and scary!", whimpers Kelly as he's dragged off, "I want my Mommie"

"Ahem", Logan smiles, "The one and only Bayville. The big olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. Stick with me, kid. This city is a dangerous place. "

On the ground, the three cross the street, only to be almost knocked down by a speeding carriage

"Look where you're goin' numbskull!", shouts the Jason (the Jason that was Dracula, as opposed to Monkey-Face Jason)

"…Hey…that hurt", says Jason sadly, "you're not getting anymore special effects from me!"

"Awww, we're sorry, Jas'", says Evan, "here, have a banana"

"Thanks", says Jason, then blinks at the banana in his hand, "….hey"

"Hey, I'm walkin' here!", shouts Logan, "You see what I mean? I'm tellin' you - wackos".

As the trio walk down some steps, Nick Fury jumps out in front of them.

"Hey, Mack", says Nick, then opens his trench coats at them, "You wanna buy a sundial?"

Various sundials are hanging from his coat. Logan shudders pushing him away

"He's not interested, all right? Come on, kid"

"Awww, but they're real good", says Nick sadly.

Suddenly, Apocalypse runs over, dressed only in a piece of pillar, grabbing Sam's toga.

"The end is coming!", he cries, "Can't you **feel** it?"

Logan swats him off

"Yes, yes. Thank you for the info", he says, "Yes. We'll ponder that for a while"

He drags Sam along out of the way

"Just stare at the sidewalk. Come on. Don't make eye contact. People here are nuts", he says, "That's because they live in a city of turmoil. Trust me, kid, you're gonna be just what the doctor ordered"

We go to a small fountain, where Caliban, Callisto, Viper, Hank and Black Eagle are gathered

"It was tragic!", says Callisto, "We lost everything in the fire"

"Everything exccccept old Ssssssnowball here", hisses Caliban.

Caliban holds up 'Snowball' a now charred black and electrically shocked cat, who lets out a pitiful mew, smoke coming out of it's mouth

"Now, were the fires before or after the earthquake?", asks Hank.

Viper, now very shaky holds a vase, which Callisto drips water into, the water leaking out through holes in the bottom

"They were after the earthquake, I remember", she judders

"But before the flood", says Callisto.

"Don't even get me started on the crime rate", mutters Black Eagle.

"Bayville has certainly gone downhill in a hurry", sighs Callisto, "I should have stayed in the sewers"

"Tell me about it", rants Black Eagle, "It seems like every time I turn around there's some new monster wreaking havoc and I..."

"All we need now issss a plague or locustssss", cuts in Caliban, breaking off Black Eagles 'old man rant'.

A happy little cricket hops onto the fountain, chirping

"**ARRRRRGHHHHHHH**!"

"It's only a happy little...", starts Evan.

"**ARRRGHHHHHH**!", scream the Bayvillians again.

"...Okay", blinks Evan.

"That's it!", snaps Black Eagle, "I'm movin' to Gotham!"

As the group start to leave, Sam walks up.

"Excuse me. It uh...ahem...", Sam clears his throat, using his 'hero voice' again, "seems to me that what you folks need is a hero"

The Bayvillians all give him that dry, unimpressed look

"Yeah, and who are you?", asks Hank.

"Ah'm Samuel, and, uh, a'h happen to be..."

Sam pauses striking a pose

"A hero"

Instead of an awed silence, or applause, the Bayvillians laugh

"Is that so?", smirks Black Eagle

"A hero!", laughs Callisto

"Have you ever saved a town before?", asks Black Eagle, jabbing Sam with his cane.

"Oww", says Sam, "Uh, no, uh, not exactly, but A'h..."

" Have you ever reversed a natural disaster?", asks Hank.

"Well, uh... no"

"Oh, listen to this. He's just another chariot chaser", snorts Hank, "This we need"

"That's a laugh", snorts Callisto.

The Bayvillians start to walk off, leaving Sam feeling dejected

"Don't you pea brains get it!", shouts Logan, causing the Bayvillians to turn and look at him, "This kid is a genuine article".

"Hey, issssn't that the goat-man who trained Sssstevillessss?", asks Caliban, squinting at Logan.

Logan narrows his eyes, **THE RAGE** building

"Watch it, Pal!", he growls.

"Yeah, you're right", laughs Hank, "Hey, nice job on those heels! You missed a spot!"

The crowd erupts into laugher

"I got your heel right here!", snarls Logan, "**BEZERKER RAGE**!"

With a snarl, he leaps at Hank, pummelling him, before biting a whole in the seat of his pants

"Mother!", screams Hank, "Logan, down! Acting, acting!"

"I'll wipe that stupid grin off your face! You...", snarls Logan.

Sam rushes over, pulling Logan off

"Hey Logan! Logan! Logan! Take it easy, Logan", says Sam, "Down boy!"

"What are you, crazy?", asks Hank, "Seesh!"

"Young man, we need a professional hero. Not an amateur", says Callisto.

With that, the crowd walks off

"Well, wait. Stop!", Sam sighs, sliding down the wall sadly to sit down, "How am a'h supposed to prove myself a hero if nobody will give me a chance?"

"You'll get your chance, you just need some kind of catastrophe or disaster", assures Logan.

Suddenly, Tabby appears, rushing through the crowd

"Please! Help! Please!", she says, "There's been a terrible accident!"

"Tabby?", asks Sam, looking up.

"Speaking of disasters", mutters Logan.

Sam stands as Tabby rushes over to him

"Wonderboy!", he says relived, "Samuel! Thank goodness!"

"Wha...what's wrong?", asks Sam.

"Outside of town, two little boys, they were playing in the gorge", she says, "There was that rock slide, a terrible rock slide. They're trapped!"

Sam looks shocked

"Kids? Trapped?", he whispers, then grins, "Logan, this is **great**!"

"...You are really choked up about this, aren't ya?", asks Tabby, crossing her arms.

Sam grins, pulling her onto Jottern

"Come on!"

"No, I...You don't under...I have this terrible fear of heeeeeiiiights!", screams Tabby.

Jottern gives an evil laugh, flying higher up

"Vengance!", laughs Scott.

"Oh, shut up, Scott", snaps Jean.

"Geez, who needs to lay off the gut bombs?", asks Warren, "you guys weight a ton"

On the ground, Logan is running with the crowd towards the gorge

"I'm right behind ya, kid! Whoo!", he pants, slowing down on his stubby little goat legs, "I am way behind ya, kid. I got a fur wedgie"

"Thanks for sharing", grimaces Evan.

Jottern finally lands in the gorge, after doing a few twists and turns in the air. Sam jumps off, moving to help Tabby off, her hair frizzled and out of place

"Are you okay?", asks Sam.

"I'll be fine. Just get me down before I ruin the upholstery", Tabby slurs.

They run over to a rock, where two children, a chubby one and a skinny one- who looks frighteningly like Havok, are trapped

"Help! I can't breathe!", shouts Chubby-Boy

"Hurry!", whines Scary-Havok-Boy.

"Get us out!", form Chubby-Boy

"We're suffocating!", says Scary-Havok-Boy, "Somebody call IX-I-I"

"Will you stop calling him 'Scary-Havok Boy'?", asks Alex, "it makes me uncomfortable".

"Easy fellas, you'll be all right", says Sam.

"We can't last much longer!", cries Chubby-Boy

"Get us out before we get crushed!", says Scary-Havok-Boy.

Sam picks up the boulder, allowing the boys to escape, the crowd applauds lightly and boredly...kinda like you do when you don't like the act, but it's impolite not to clap.

"How you boys doin'?", asks Sam

"We're okay now", says Scary-Havok-Boy

"Jeepers, mister, you are really strong!", says Chubby-Boy in awe.

Sam clears his throat, using his 'hero voice'

"Well, try to be a little more careful next time, okay, kids?"

"We sure will!", smiles Scary-Havok-Boy.

Sam tosses away the rock as the boys run off up the mountain out of sight, where Pyro is waiting for them, sitting in a rock chair, eating...eww.. worms.

"**Jelly** worms!", says Pyro, "A stirring performance, boys. I was really moved"

"'Jeepers", asks Scary-Havok-Boy, turning into Todd, "Mister'?"

"I was going for", Chubby-Boy turns into Freddy, "innocence"

Pyro grins, sticking up two flaming thumbs, looking at Tabby, who has moved to by them.

"And, hey, two thumbs way, way up for our leading lady. What a dish. What a doll".

"Get outta there, you big lug, while you still can", whispers Tabby.

Logan plods, exhausted, over to Sam in the gorge

"Logan! I did great. They even applauded", Sam pauses, "...sort of"

There is a low, deadly growling from the cave

"Huh! I hate to burst your bubble, kid, but that ain't applause", says Logan.

Two feral eyes light up in the darkness of the cave as the growling gets louder

"**DUN DUN DUUUUUN**!", shouts Evan, "**Cliff-hanger**!"

"Not if they've seen the movie", says Sam, "…or read this parody the first time around"

"It's a cliff-hanger, now shut up!", snaps Evan.

&&&&

Oh yes, Sam must defeat a big, evil self-duplicating monster...can you see where I'm going with this? Do review. Until next time...


	9. The monster mash

It's all Greek to me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "When your world is ruled by an evil demon who wants to call it's undead minions 'Deadels', you call 'em 'Deadels'!" "Sounds like some evil undead candy"

&&&

ACT 9 - The monster mash (Now with 10 per cent more fangirls)

&&&

Where we last left out heroes, they were in a gorge, with a big, growly thing. A huge claws hand hits the ground as Jamie steps out in a HUGE monster costume

"How awesome is **this**?", grins the Jamiedra, "Boo-yah!"

"Lo..Lo...Lo..Logan?", squeaks Sam, "What do you call that thing?"

"Two words!", says Logan, "Am-scray!"

Logan runs off for safety as the Jamiedra towers over Sam, roaring

"...Ah'll just deal with this on ma'h own then, should a'h?", mutters Sam.

"Let's get ready to ruuuuuuumbllllllle!", shouts Pyro gleefully.

The Jamiedra growls, running after Sam, snapping at him, while Logan instructs from the sidelines

"That's it. Dance around! Dance around!", he shouts, "Watch the teeth. Watch the teeth Keep going. Come on. Come on. Lead with your left. Lead with your left! Your other left!"

"Stop helping me!", shouts Sam.

Sam grins, leaping out of the way, holding his hand out, realising his sword isn't in it...just as the sword lands five feet away from him. He tosses a big piece of rock at the Jamiedra, which chops it up into little pieces.

"Bwhahahahahahahahaha!", laughs the Jamiedra evily.

"...You think we're giving the kid a complex by letting him be evil?", asks Evan

As the Jamiedra goes to snap at him again, Sam catches his jaws in his hands as he's pushed towards his sword. He quickly makes a grab for it as the Jamiedra grabs his ankle with his tongue, tossing Sam into the air before catching him in his mouth, swallowing him in one gulp.

"Tastes just like chicken", says the Jamidra, "Kentucky Fried Chicken. Bad ump bump!"

"...And there goes my parody", groans Evan, "**THANKS ALOT, JAMIE**!"

The Jamiedra savours his meal, before moving in to the terrified Bayvillians

"No!", shouts Evan, "**NO MORE CAST MEMBERS**!"

"**BWAHAHAHAHAHA**", laughs the Jamidra, then pauses, looking worriedly at his neck, "...huh?"

With a swwwish, Sam's sword passes through, cutting off the Jamiedra's head, Sam plopping out, dazed and covered in green goop. The crowd gives more enthusiastic applause as Sam tries to holster his sword, missing and throwing it on the floor.

"See, Logan?", he says, swaying, "That...that wasn't so hard"

He collapses on the floor with a **THUNK**. Logan goes over to him, in Sam's dazed view, he sees three Logans.

"There's a scary thought", mutters Evan

"Kid, kid, kid", he says, "how many horns do ya see?"

Sam squints, concentrating.

"...Six?"

"...Eh, close enough", shrugs Logan, "Lets get you cleaned up"

As he helps Sam to his feet, it begins to rain, up in the mountain, Todd looks...well...panicky

"Guys, guys, relax", smirks Pyro, "It's only halftime"

As Sam and Logan move off, a rumbling issues from the Jamiedra's headless body

"That doesn't sound good", mutters Logan.

No duh. The body of the Jamiedra suddenly sprouts three new heads

"We **LIIIIIVE**!", scream(s) the Jamierda(s)

Logan squeaks, putting the sword back in Sam's hand

"Definitely not good!"

Logan runs off as Sam is chased by the now three-headed Jamiedra. Jottern swoops in from the cliffs, taking him out of harms way. As they weave in and out of necks, Sam keeps slicing off heads, only to have three more take their place every time...until he is face with a good thirty odd heads

"Will you forget that head-slicing thing!", screams Logan.

"I do **not** want to fly here anymore", sobs Warren, "I want to land, **I WANT TO LAND**"

"Err...I don't think we can", says Jean

"Pixie dust help's you fly!", giggles Scott drunkenly, "Gather the pixie dust with me!"

Sam is knocked off Jottern, and slides down a Jamiedra's neck. like a super-fun-happy-slide...only with a big set of teeth at the bottom

"Ah'm gonna die", he screams, "Logan, a'h don't think we covered this one in basic training!"

He manages to escape, only to get pinned to the cliff face by the Jamiedra, all it's many heads grinning evily.

"Call me too little to go Joyriding **huh**?", they/he roar, "Am I too little **NOW** Sam, **Am I**? **AM I TOO BIG OF A CROWD NOW**!".

"That was Bobby's idea, eat him!", squeaks Sam, ever the one for self-preservation.

"**HEY**!", shouts Bobby from backstage.

Pyro smirks from his mountaintop, trying to ignore all the rain

"My favourite part of the game", he smirks, "sudden death"

As the Jamiedra's head's come down to finish Sam off, he smashes his fists against the cliff he's pinned to. The rocks start to tumble down, the Jamiedra's looking up

"Oh...puddle"

The rocks fall on the Jamiedra(s), crushing him/them. Man, Jamie is a grammar nightmare. All that is left unburied is one closed claw, which now lies limp on the ground. Jottern whinnies from the air, as Logan and the crowd look on sadly as the rain stops

"Oh! There goes another one", winces Logan, "Just like Stevilles"

Pyro smirks, making a cigar out of smoke.

"Game. Set", he turns his thumb into a lighter, lighting it, "Match"

The crowd look on in horror as the Jamiedra's claw twitches, opening to show Sam in the middle, still alive. The Bayvillians blink, before cheering loudly. Light shines in the gorge as the crowd run in, picking Sam up and carrying him off

"Logan, you gotta admit, that was pretty heroic", says Sam.

"Ya did it, kid! Ya did it! You won by a landslide!", cheers Logan.

Up in the mountain, Pyro's cigar burns to ashes as he squeezes on Todd and Freddy's heads, making them burn. Tabby watches Sam get taken off by the crowd, before clapping quietly.

"Well. What do ya know?", she smirks.

The scene switches to our muses, looking at a vase with Sam killing the Jamiedra on it

"From that day forward, our boy Samuel could do no wrong", says Rogue, "He was so hot, steam looked cool"

**Ohhhhhhh, yeah!**

**Bless my soul**

**  
Sam was on a roll **

**Person of the week in every Greek opinion poll,** sings Dani, holding out a scroll.

**What a pro!**, sings Kitty

Rogue grins, singing her solo.

**Sam could stop a show **

**  
Point him at a monster and you're talkin' S.R.O**

We see Sam signing autographs with a chisel, and Pyro using his monster chessboard to send the Emymanthian boar to Sam, as the muses sing in unison.

**He was a no one **

**  
A zero, a zero **

**  
Now he's a honcho **

**  
He's a hero! **

**  
He was a kid with his act down pat **

Sam beats the boar and we see a vase with him holding it cooked on a plate

**Zero to hero in no time flat **

**  
Zero to hero**

Rogue clicks her fingers

**Just like that**, sings Rogue.

We see Sam walking through the street while various obsessed fangirls scream, among them are the promised extra fangirls, Sperrydee, Dischickdigsdafuzzydude, Magcat, and Skysong.

"...They'll get me later, a'h know it", he pauses, "why are there **more**?"

"Because Todd Fan wanted more, that's why", snapped Evan, so keep smiling!

**When he smiled the girls went wild **

**  
With oohs and aahs **

**And they slapped his face on every vase**, sings Dani

Jubilee smacks Dani over the head with a rolling pin, Dani retaliating by stuffing the vase on her head.

**On every 'Vahse'**, corrects Jubilee, smacking Dani on the head with a rolling pin, Dani retaliating by stuffing the Vaahse on her head, while the other muses sing.

**From appearance fees and royalties **

**  
Our Sam had cash to burn **

**  
Now nouveau riche and famous **

**  
He could tell you what's a Grecian urn **

We see a statue of Sam erected, his face on a credit card and him rolling in money

"Yey!", giggles Sam, "money fight!"

"You guys are just borrowing my fortune..right?", asks Warren.

"Sure, War'", snorts Evan, "you'll get it back"

Sam, meanwhile, beats up the Nemean lion as the muses sing.

**Say amen **

**  
There he goes again **

**  
Sweet and undefeated **

**  
And an awesome ten for ten **

**  
Folks lined up just to watch him flex **

**And this perfect package packed a pair of pretty pecs, **sings Dani, holding up a Squeaky Sam, squeezing squeaky Sam's arms together so his chest pops out.

"...Dani is beginning to frighten me", whimpers Sam.

We see him beat a Stymphalian bird and the Python serpent, Pyro burning his model of the serpent

**Sammy, he comes, he sees, he conquers **

**  
Honey, the crowds were goin' bonkers **

**  
He showed the moxie brains and spunk, yeah! **

**  
From zero to hero **

**A major hunk , **sings Dani

**Zero to hero**, sing the muses.

**And who'd have thunk,** sings Rogue..

"...Thanks", mutters Sam.

The music kicks in, as the muses dance around a bit

Who put the glad in gladiator, sings Rogue

Samuel, sing the muses

Who's darin' deeds are great theatre, sings Amanda

We see kids recreating the Jamiedra battle

Samuel, sing the muses

Is he bold, sings Jubilee

No one braver, sing..random stone carvings

Is he sweet, sings Kitty.

Our favourite flavour, sing the muses.

As the muses sing, we see Sam drinking some **SAMULADE! **(1)

**Samuel!**

**Samuel!**

We see Xavier and Gabriel give each other a high five, their farmhouse now attached to a very large mansion

"Yey, money!", says Xavier, "even if I have plenty"

"Doesn't make up for my lost baby", grumbles Gabrielle.(who's name Todd Fan is no longer sure of how to spell)

"For the love of...", mutters Xavier

**Samuel!**

**Samuel!**

We see kids trying on Air-Sam sandals

**Samuel!**

**Samuel!**

**Samuel!**

Pyro points a Minotaur, Gorgon and a Griffin at Sam, and he beats all three at the same time

**Bless my soul**

**  
Sam was on a roll **

**  
Undefeated **

**  
Riding high **

**And the nicest guy, **sings Rogue

**Not conceited **

**  
He was a nothing, zero, zero **

**  
Now he's a honcho, he's our hero! **

We see Sam clog up a volcano, and then fly through the stars on Jottern making a certain starry ladies dress ride up as he passes

"Sorry!", shouts Sam, covering his eyes.

**He hit the heights at breakneck speed **

**  
From zero to hero **

We see Pyro thunk his head on his chessboard, and Sam and Jottern putting their hands in a clay walkway

**Sam is a hero **

**  
Now he's a herooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo**

**Yes, indeed,** finishes Rogue

"Thank Gods that's over", says Evan, "Is Jamie okay?"

We see Kurt pulling Jamie out of his monster suit, looking dazed

"Ja...I think"

"I'll get them. One day, I'll show them I'm not just the little kid of the house!", mutters Jamie, "Wait and see!"

"...Yeah...sure thing, Jamie", Evan rolls his eyes.

&&&&

(1) – An in joke. If you've ever played the game for the movie, health is gathered in bottle of Herculade. When you pick up a bottle of Herculade, a big, booming voice shouts **HERCULADE!** Yeah.. I'm easily amused like that.

And there is another chapter done. Kudos to those who guessed my Hydra, I couldn't resist. Next up, Pyro has a cunning plan. Do review. Until next time...


	10. Throwing the right curves

It's all Greek to me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Oh, I've hit rock-bottom. I'm hanging out with a security guard who lives with his father".

&&&

ACT 10 - Throwing the right curves

&&&

We open on the mountain side, where Pyro is destroying vases

"Yey, I get to break stuff!", he giggles, "**PULL**!"

Todd and Fred toss the vase into the air, and Pyro disintergrates it with a flameball.

"Nice shooting, Rex", says Tabby sarcastically.

"I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him", rants Pyro, "And it doesn't even..."

He pauses at the odd squeaking sound coming from Freddy's feet. He looks down to see Fred is wearing a pair of Air-Sam sandals

"What. Are. Those?", growls Pyro.

Freddy blinks, looking at his new sandals

"Um.. I don't know", he said, "I thought they looked kinda dashing".

Pyro's hair flickers as he closes in on Fred, Freddy's happy smile fading as Pyro's shadow looms over him

"I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo", he growls, "or the entire scheme I've been  
setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke and you. Are. Wearing. His. **MERCHANDISE**!"

He pauses before charring Fred, hearing a slurping sound. He turns to see Todd, drinking **SAMULADE** through a straw. Todd stops, giving a nervous laugh, holding out the cup

"Thirsty?"

Pyro flips out, from below the mountain, they see it erupt into a ball of flame, Sam and Logan shrug, going back to their work. Back up top Tabby chuckles as Pyro calms down, flicking her hair into his face before walking to the edge of the mountain to look down at Sam.

"Looks like your game's over", she smirks, "Wonderboy is hitting every curve you throw at him"

Pyro blinks at her, before grinning

"Oh yeah.. I wonder if maybe I haven't been throwing the right", Pyro brushes his hands close to her sides, a trail of smoke following behind, "_curves_ at him. Tabby, my sweet"

"If we weren't acting, I'd punch you in a painful place right now", growls Tabby, "Don't even go there"

She tries to walk away, Pyro following her

"See, he's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness I mean for what? Mesmero, it was the box thing".

Pyro holds up a little, smoke Eye-Of-Ages appears in his hand

"For Trask, hey, he bet on the wrong horse, okay?", he says a little smoke sentinel replaces the Eye-Of-Ages, then vanishes.

Pyro smirks.

"We simply need to find out Wonderboy's".

" I've done my part", says Tabby, "Get your little imps..."

Pyro looks to where Fred and Todd are opening a fresh can of **SAMULADE**

"They couldn't handle him as a baby", he says, "I need someone who can... handle him as a man".

"Hey, I've sworn off manhandling", snaps Tabby.

"Well, you know, that's good because that's what got you into the jam in the first place, isn't it?", asks Pyro, "You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life"

A little smoke Tabby is shown hugging a smoke-guy who looks suspiciously like Ray

"...That's my part?", asks Ray, "A flashback?"

"And how does this creep thank you?", asks Pyro, "By running off with some babe".

We see the smoke Ray running after a smoke-random-chick

"He hurt you real bad, didn't he, Tabby?", asks Pyro, "Huh?"

Tabby closes her eyes sadly, before frowning, swishing away the smoke picture

"Look, I learned my lesson, okay?", she snaps.

Pyro grins, handing Tabby a vase with Sam's picture on it

"Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer", he says, "You give me the key to bringing down Wonder Breath and I give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos"

He lifts her hair to whisper into her ear, causing her to drop the vase

"Your freedom"

We cut to the temple of Sabes, where Sam is talking to a stone Sabertooth, play fighting with Jottern.

"You should have been there, father!", said Sam proudly, "A'h mangled the minotaur, grappled with the Gorgon, Just like Phil told me, a'h analyzed the situation, controlled ma'h strength and kicked! The crowds went wild!"

Sam puts his hands to his mouth making that odd sound that imitates cheering

"Thank you, thank you", says Sam, bowing.

"..Not very modest today, are we?", quips Evan

"Hah! You're doin' great, son", grins Sabertooth, "You're doin' your old man proud"

"A'hm glad to hear you say that, father", says Sam, "Ah've been waiting for this day a long time"

"Hmm.. What day is that, son?", asks Sabertooth, confused.

"...The day a'h rejoin the gods", points out Sam, as if it's obvious.

Sabertooth winces

"You've done wonderfully, you really have, my boy", he says, "You're just not there yet. You haven't proved yourself a true hero"

"But father, ah've beaten every single monster ah've come up against", protests Sam, "ah'm..ah'm the most famous person in all of Marvel. Ah'm...ah'm an action figure!"

Sam holds up a squeaky Sam, squeaking him, his little muscles flexing

"I'm afraid being famous is not the same as being a true hero", says Sabertooth

"What more can a'h do?", asks Sam sadly.

"It's something you have to discover for yourself", says Sabertooth

"But how can a'h..", starts Sam.

"Look inside your heart", says Sabertooth as lightning strikes and his statue becomes inanimate.

"Father, wait!", shouts Sam, "You said you'd always be there for me, but you're not, **YOU'RE NOT**!"

"...Wrong movie, Sam", says Evan, "again"

"...A'hm dealing with some issues right now", sniffs Sam, "can a'h go to ma'h trailer?"

"...Awww, you miss your dad?", asks Evan.

"Yeah", says Sam sadly.

"You want time to reflect?", asks Evan sweetly.

"Yes please", smiles Sam.

"Too bad, you've got more acting to do!", says Evan, cracking a whip.

"Who the hell gave him **that**", screams Sam, jumping out of the way.

We open in Bayville, where a carriage is going past a big mansion...one that looks like a certain Institute

"On your left is Samuel's villa", says Façade the tour guide, "My next stop is the Pecs and Flex gift shop where you can pick up the Great Hero's 30-minute workout scroll 'Buns of Bronze'"

Inside, Sam is posing for a portrait, reluctantly, the skin from a certain lion from another Disney movie on his head. Logan is pacing around checking his list

"At one you got a meeting with king David", he says, "He's got a problem with his stables. I'd advise you not to wear your new sandals"

"How can we have Lucas **and** David in the same parody?", asks Sam.

"Multiple personalities", shrugs Evan, "three actors for the price of one"

"Logan?", asks Sam.

The frustrated artist, Alex, looks from his vase

"I told you, don't move!", hisses Alex.

"D.M.R., the Daughters of the Marvel Revolution", continues Logan.

Sam tries to speak without moving.. at all

"Logan?"

"At three", he says, "you gotta get a lasso from some Amazons" (1)

Sam tosses down the things he's decorated stupidly with.

"Logan, what's the point?", he says, the lion skin hitting the vase, causing Alex to mess up his work.

Alex blinks before flipping out, screaming and scribbling out his drawing

"That's it!"

"See?", says Evan "There it is! The Summers' genetic need for perfection".

"I don't have to be perfect all the time", whimpers Scott.

"Yes, you do", says Evan.

"I **AM NOT MY BROTHER! I AM MY OWN PERSON**!", screams Alex, firing off a plasma blast, taking off part of the ceiling as he heads for the door.

"...Uh..huh", says Evan

"Bye bye, Baby Brother", smiles Scott, waving a hoof at him.

As Alex storms off, Logan tries to stop him

"Keep your toga on, pal"

Alex dumps his paints on Logan's head, storming off, Logan looking like a clown, while the cast laughs insanely.

"Shut up!", roars Logan, "What do you mean, 'what's the point ?' You wanna go to Olympus, don't ya?"

"Yeah, but this stuff doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere", says Sam.

He tosses the lion from another movie's skin at Logan, who uses it to wipe the clown mask off.

"You can't give up now", says Logan, "I'm counting on ya'"

"A'h gave this everything a'h had", sighs Sam.

"Listen to me, kid. I seen 'em all. And I am tellin' you - and this is the honest-to-Sabes truth", says Logan, "you got somethin' I never seen before"

"Really?", asks Sam.

"I can feel it right down to these stubby bow legs of mine", he says, "There is nothin' you can't do, kid"

Before either can enjoy the tender moment, the door slams open and a bunch of mad groupies rush in.

"It's him!", screams Draco-Luver

The groupies charge past Logan, diving onto Sam, so he disappears under a mountain of fans.

"Hey, watch it! Watch it! Watch..", shouts Logan

"I touched his elbow!", screams Physcobunny

"I got his sweatband!", screams Red Witch above them all, triumphantly waving the item.

Sam's head pops out from under the groupies

"Logan, help!", he asks desperately.

"Okay, escape plan Beta", says Logan

"Gotcha", says Sam.

Logan blows a whistle and the groupies look up, then find that Sam has vanished.

"Where is he!", demands Sperrydee

"There he goes!", shouts Logan, "On the veranda!"

The groupies scream, running off, Logan grinning and running after them. As the door closes, we see Tabby hiding behind it, she walks into the room, seeing Sam's toes hidden under a curtain.

"Let's see, what could be behind curtain number one?", she grins.

She pulls it open, revealing a beaten up and dishevelled Sam, who's trying his best to fix his toga.

"Tabby!", he squeaks.

"It's all right", smiles Tabby, "The sea of raging hormones has ebbed"

"Gee, i-i-it's great to see you", Sam stammers, "a'h..a'h..a'h missed you"

Tabby smirks, flopping onto a couch

"So, this is what heroes do on their days off", she says.

"A'hm no hero...", says Sam quietly.

"Sure you are", she says, "Everybody in Marvel thinks you're the greatest thing since they put the pocket in pita"

Sam chuckles

"A'h know. It's-it's crazy you know, a'h can't go anywhere without being mobbed, a'h mean...", he says,

: "Ah. You sound like you could use a break", she grins, "Think your nanny goat would go berserk if you played hooky this afternoon?"

She picks up a squeaky Logan, squeezing him so his eyes pop out while he bleats

"I gotta get me onea those", muses Sabertooth.

"Oh gee. A'h..a'h don't know", says Sam, "uh, Logan's got the rest of the day pretty much booked"

"Ah, Logan, Smogan.. Just follow me", says Tabby, her grin widening, "Out the window, round the dumbbells, you lift up the back wall and we're gone"

"Don't listen to her, Sam", shouts Kurt from backstage, "she played this one on me before, and I ended up with **MONTHS** of detention and hard labour!"

"...Kurt", says Evan politely, "...shut up"

&&&&

(1) - Wonder Woman, anyone?

Uh oh, looks like we got a couple of escapees on our hands! Do review. Until next time..


	11. Weak ankles and denial

It's all Greek to me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Ahh, passive resistance. The last resort for slackers and sissies".

**&&&&&**

ACT 11 - Weak ankles and denial

**&&&&&&**

We open in a beautiful garden in the evening, the stars shining in the sky. Tabby and Sam are heading down a huge set of steps, laughing.

"Wow. What a day", says Sam, "First that restaurant by the bay, and then that, that play, that, that Galactipus thing. Man! a'h thought A'H had problems".

Tabby smiles, then blinks as two little birds flutter into a bird bath by her, their heads changing to show Fred and Todd.

"Arrrghh! Bird men!", she screams.

"Psst!", hisses Todd, "Stop foolin' around!"

"Yeah", says Freddy, "Get the goods, sister"

"...Sister?", asks Tabby, arching a brow

As Sam turns around, Todd and Fred quickly morph into birds, tweeting innocently

"A'h didn't know that playing hooky could be so much fun", smiles Sam.

"Yeah...", says Tabby quietly, "Neither did I"

"Thanks, Tabby", says Sam

"Oh.. Don't thank me just yet", says Tabby, then sighs, forcing herself to trip in a soap-opera style of acting, "Oh!"

Sam, being the nice, innocent gentleman he is, catches her

"Oops, careful"

"Sorry", Tabby grins, "Weak ankles"

"Oh yeah?", says Sam, picking her up and carrying her to a nearby alcove, placing her on the seat, "Well, maybe you better sit down for a while"

"So, uh, do you have any problems with things like.. this?", asks Tabby.

Sam blinks as her ankle suddenly juts out in front of his face

"...Errrr"

Tabby uses her foot to turn his head towards her

"Weak ankles, I mean", she smirks.

Sam, being Sam, reacts as usual...badly. He gives a nervous squeak, gently pushing Tabby's leg away.

"Oh. Uh, no", he says, "Not really"

Tabby smiles seductively, sidling up to Sam, as he tries to edge away from her as she puts a hand on his knee

"Meep", squeaks Sam, realising he's run out of bench.

"No weaknesses whatsoever?", she asks, resting her hand on his knee, "No trick knee?"

"Err..."

Tabby grins, resting her hands on his chest, the strap for her toga sliding off her shoulder onto her arm

"This is **fun**!", she giggles, "Ruptured... disks?"

Sam gulps, closing his eyes and carefully putting her strap back in place

"No. Ah'm...a'h afraid ah'm, uh", Sam whimpers, "fit as a fiddle"

Unable to take anymore of this, Sam quickly gets off the bench, Tabby frowning

"That scene took **HOURS** to film", says Evan, "Sam kept having panic attacks...and Rahne tried to bite Tabby's hand off"

"Wonderboy, you are perfect", mutters Tabby.

"Thanks", says Sam, skimming a rock over a fountain, hitting a statue in the middle, wincing, "Whoops"

Tabby stands up, leaning on his shoulder

"It looks better that way", she says, "No, it really does"

We see the statue is now a Venus De Milo, they look up as a star shoots across the sky

"You know, when a'h was a kid a'h...a'h would have given anything to be exactly like everybody else", says Sam.

Tabby hugs her arms around herself, looking at her reflection in the fountain

"You wanted to be petty and dishonest?"

"Everybody's not like that", says Sam, blinking at her

"Yes they are", says Tabby quietly.

"You're not like that", says Sam as his reflection appears next to hers.

"How do you know what I'm like?", she asks, turning to look at him.

"All a'h know is.. You're the most amazing person with", he chuckles, "... weak ankles ah've ever met"

Tabby chuckles, stepping back into a statue of Cupid, which looks creepily like a cherubic Warren, the arrow poking her back, she frowns at it, before looking at Sam again

"...Isn't it bad enough I'm humiliated in the horse costume with dumb and dumber?", asks Warren.

"Tabby, when ah'm with you a'h..a'h don't feel so... alone", says Sam.

"Sometimes it's better to be alone", says Tabby sadly.

"What do you mean?", asks Sam, confused.

"Nobody can hurt you", says Tabby, sitting at the edge of the fountain.

Sam blinks, before sitting down next to her, taking her hands in his

"Tabby? A'h would never ever hurt you", he says.

"And I don't wanna hurt you", says Tabby, "so... let's both do ourselves a favour and.. stop this... um.. before... we.."

Juuuuust before their lips meet, a bright light hits the pair, the thucka thucka helicopter sound in the air. We see Logan riding on Jottern. Jottern's wings going like helicopter blades, a candle on his head acting like a searchlight

"All right! Break it up! Break it up!", shouts Logan, "Party's over! I been lookin' all over this town!"

"Calm down, mutton man!", says Tabby, "It was all my fault"

"You're already on my list, sister, so don't make it worse", snaps Logan.

"There's that 'sister' thing again", says Tabby, "What am I? Inbred!"

Jottern snorts at Tabby, who blows his candle out

"My candle!", whimpers Scott.

"And as for you, ya bum, you're gonna go to the stadium and you're gonna be put through the workout of your life!", growls Logan, "Now get on the horse"

"Okay, okay", sighs Sam.

"I'm sorry", says Tabby.

"Ah, he'll get over it", grins Sam.

He pulls a tree branch down to pluck a flower off, handing it to Tabby, letting the tree poiing back. He gives her a kiss on the cheek, as Logan, ushers him onto Jottern. Tabby gives a small smile, touching her cheek.

"Move! Move, move, move, move, move!", shouts Logan, "Move!"

As Jottern flies off, Sam is watching Tabby with a goofy smile, facing the wrong way as Jottern flies past various objects at high speed.

"You looking where you're going Scott?", asks Warren

"The pixies will lead me!", giggles Scott.

"...Pixies", mutters Jean, "...great"

"Whoo! Ya-eee! Hey, watch it, watch it! Whoo! Watch it!", shouts Logan, clinging to Sam for dear life, "Keep your goo-goo eyes on the..."

As he tries to turn Sam's head, he is smacked with a branch, knocking him to the ground as Jottern flies off with Sam.

"That's it", says Logan woozily from the ground, "Next time, I drive"

Tabby sits at the fountain, smelling the flower, before frowning, coming to her senses

"Oh. what's the matter with me?", she says, "You'd think a girl would learn"

She stands up, heading to the cupid statue, beginning to sing.

**If there's a prize for rotten judgement **

**  
I guess I've already won that **

She turns the statue so it faces the other way

**No man is worth the aggravation  
**

Behind her, the muses come to life on a wall

**That's ancient history been there, done that! **

She tosses the flower over her shoulder, Dani catching it as the muses begin to sing.

**_Who'd ya think you're kidding? _**

_**  
He's the Earth and Heaven to you **_

_**  
Try to keep it hidden, honey**_

_**  
We can see right through you **_

Tabby shakes her head, sitting by the wall

**Oh no**, sings Tabby.

_**Girl, you can't conceal it **_

_**  
We know how you feel and **_

_**  
Who you're thinkin' of **_

Dani dangles the flower out of the wall, above Tabby's face, who ignores it, walking off

"Take the flower, damn you!", shouts Dani as Tabby sings.

**No chance, no way**

**  
I won't say it, no, no **

_**You swoon, you sigh, why deny it, uh-oh? **_

Tabby rolls her eyes

**It's too cliché, I won't say I'm in love **

_**Shoo-doo, shoo-doo, oo-oo-oo **_

The muses shrug, as Tabby wanders off into the garden, smiling at a statue of a pair of lovers

**I thought my heart had learned its lesson **

**  
It feels so good when you start out... **

Behind her, the muses are now pillars, spinning around

_**Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh**_

**My head is screaming get a grip, girl **

She turns around and the muses freeze

"It's all in my head...it's all in my head", she chants

**Unless you're dyin' to cry your heart out, ohhhh **

She starts to walk away again

_**You keep on denying **_

_**  
Who you are and how you're feelin' **_

**_  
Baby we're not buyin', _**

**_  
Hon', we saw you hit the ceilin' _**

_**  
Face it like a grownup **_

_**  
When you gonna own up that you **_

**_  
Got Got Got it bad? _**

The muses are now a fountain, Dani at the top, spurting water from her mouth

**Oh, no chance, no way**

**  
I won't say it, no, no **

She hops across some stones in a little pool, tripping, her hand falling onto a statue of Sam's hand. She smiles, snuggling up to the statue

_**Give up, but give in**_

_**  
Check the grin, you're in love **_

Tabby backs away from the statue quickly

**This scene won't play**

**  
I won't say I'm in love **

The muses are now heads, Dani's head resting at an angle

"Why me?", asks Dani

"You're the comic relief muse", says Evan.

"...Oh", blinks Dani, "…okay"

_**You're doing flips, read our lips **_

_**  
You're in love **_

Every now and again, the muses get in that **_shoo-doo, shoo-doo _**noise

**You're way off base**

**  
I won't say it **

**_She won't say' in love'_**

**Get off my case**

**  
I won't say it **

She goes back to the fountain, where the muses are at the base

_**Girl, don't be proud**_

_**  
It's okay, you're in love **_

They put the flower back on the fountain base, so when Tabby sits down, her hand lands on it, Tabby smiles, picking up the flower to look at it

**Ahhhhhhhh**

**At least at loud **

**  
I won't say I'm in love... **

She sighs, leaning back onto the fountain base, holding the flower with a dreamy sigh

_**Shoo-doo, shoo-doo, shoo-doo, shoo-doo **_

_**Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la **_

_**Haaa **_

The statue in the fountain by Tabby suddenly begins to heat up and melt, Pyro popping out, causing Tabby to stand up.

"Hey, what's the buzz, huh, Tabby?", he grins, "What is the weak link in the Wonderboy's chain?"

Tabby gives him a glare, turning to walk away

"Get yourself another girl, I'm through", she says.

Pyro blinks

"I'm sorry. Do you mind runnin' that by me again? I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or something", he says, picking out a piece of brimstone from his ear.

"Ewww, that's mine", grimaces Kurt.

Tabby spins around, glaring at him

"Then read my lips!", she yells, "Forget it!"

Pyro hops down from his perch, squeezing her cheek

"Tabby, Tabby. Tabby, my sweet deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial little, tiny detail?", he smiles, before bursting into flames, "**I OWN YOU**!"

In the garden, Logan comes two, rubbing a goose egg on his head

"I have healin' factor, I shouldn't have the amount of goose eggs I've had in this parody", he mutters, "Oh. I got another horn here. That kid's gonna be doin' laps for a month"

He blinks, overhearing Tabby and Pyro's conversation, parting the bushes to watch them

"If I say, 'sing', you say, 'hey, name that tune'", says Pyro, "If I say, 'I want Wonderboy's head on a platter' you say..."

"Medium or well done", sighs Tabby.

"Oh! I knew that dame was trouble", says Logan, shaking his head, "This is gonna break the kid's heart"

Logan runs off, while Pyro and Tabby still talk. Pyro causes some smoke bats to flutter by Tabby's head

"You hear that sound?", says Pyro, "That's the sound of your freedom fluttering out the window forever"

Tabby scowls, waving the smoke away

"I don't care", she says, "I'm not gonna help you hurt him"

"I can't believe you're getting so worked up about some guy", says Pyro, rolling his eyes.

"This one is different", smiles Tabby, looking at her flower, "He's honest, and...and he's sweet..."

"Shucks", says Sam backstage

"Grrrrrrrrrrr", growls Rahne

"Down, girl", says Evan.

"Please!", snorts Pyro.

"He would never do anything to hurt me", says Tabby.

"He's a guy!", says Pyro.

"Besides, 'Oh, Oneness', you can't beat him. He has no weaknesses", Tabby smirks, "he's gonna..."

Tabby turns around to find Hades smiling at her

"I think... he does, Tabby", he says, "I truly think... he does"

He takes the flower off her and it goes up in a little flame In the sky, the stars move even closer to alignment

"Cut!", shouts Evan.

"Watch out, wolf-girl, you got competition", grins Tabby.

0.O, says Sam.

"Bring it on!", screams Rahne

"...Why are you women fighting over S**AM**!", asks Eva, then sighs, "..No, wait, I don't want to know. Rahne, don't maul Tabby, she's still needed, Tabby, don't blow up Rahne, she has one more appearance"

&&&&

Heh heh. I love that scene. 'I won't say I'm in love' is without a doubt my favourite Disney song of all time! I know it off by heart, whooot! Do review. Until next time...


	12. A bargin

It's all Greek to me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I'm the master of all evil. THE MASTER OF ALL EVIL! I can't help it if I have an adorably, curly tail"

**&&&&**

ACT 12 - A bargain

**&&&&**

We open on Sam's training ground, where he is joyously running laps and jumping hurdles. Logan comes sadly down the stairs, pausing to watch Jottern eating a bowl of birdseed.

"Birdy birdy birdseed!", sings Scott.

"Scott's gonna feel **ill** in the morning", chuckles Warren, then pauses, "may I have some?"

"Hey, Logan", grins Sam, "What happened to you?"

Logan gives a sad sigh

"Kid, we gotta talk", he says.

Sam laughs joyously picking Logan up by his horns, spinning him around and giving him a hug.

"...You're hugging me", growls Logan

"Oh, Logan, a'h just had the greatest day of my life!", says Sam happily

He drops Logan, cannonballing up to lie on top of a long jump

"A'..a'h can't stop thinking about Tabby", he says, "She's something else"

"Kid! I'm tryin' to talk to ya!", shouts Logan, "Will you come down here and listen?"

Sam starts pulling stunt ticks on the long jump

"Aw, how can a'h come down there when ah'm feeling so up?"

He cannonballs up high, high into the sky...like Superman. Jottern pauses in chomping his birdseed, watching as a horse just like himself.. only pink and female appear, smiling seductively

"**HOT CHICK**!", shouts Warren and Scott in unison.

"No!", snaps Jean, "We're staying put!"

As Jottern follows the mare, his back legs give in

"**I SAID NO**!", screams Jean.

However, his wings flutter after her, the front half pawing on the ground

"Come back, hot chick!", calls Warren.

"We love you!", says Scott.

As the two 'horses' get into a barn the mare splits into two

"**PIXIES!**", screams Scott.

"...I hate to say 'I told you so'...", starts Jean.

The two horse halves turn into Todd and Fred, who dive onto Jottern.

"Gotcha!", laughs Freddy evily.

Outside, oblivious to this, Sam has landed on the ground again

"Ah, very nice", says Logan, "What I'm trying to say is..."

"That if it wasn't for you, a'h never would have met her. Oh, a'h owe ya big time. Little guy, a'h do", grins Sam.

"Do **NOT** hug me again", warns Logan.

Sam picks up Logan, hugging him and giving him a noogie

"Sam gets all the fun", sighs Evan, "none of us would **ever** get away with doing this off set...without losing a lot of blood...possibly a limb"

"He'll get it afterwards", mutters Logan, "Will you just knock it off for a couple of seconds?"

Sam laughs, play-sparring with him

"Rule number 38, Come on, Logan, keep them up there, huh?", he laughs, "Logan, a'h got two words for ya: Duck!"

"Listen to me!", snaps Logan, "She's..."

"A dream come true?", smiles Sam

"Not exactly", says Logan

"More beautiful than Elektradite?", grins Sam happily.

"Aside from that!", says Logan.

"The most wonderful..."

Logan finally loses it, taking a deep breath, shouting at the top of his lungs

"**She's a fraud**!", he shouts, "She's been playin' ya for a sap!"

Sam rolls his eyes, snorting

"Aw, come on", he says, "Stop kiddin' around"

"I'm not kiddin' around", growls Logan

"A'h know you're upset about today", frowns Sam, "but that's no reason to..."

"Kid, you're missin' the point", says Logan

"The point is...a'h love her", says Sam.

"**WHAT**!", snarls Rahne

"It's a line, Rahne, Rahne", Evan pauses, "...calm down...please put down that axe"

"She don't love you", says Logan

"You're crazy", says Sam.

"She's nothin' but a two-timin'...", mutters Logan

"Stop it!", warns Sam

"...no-good, lyin', schemin'..."

"Shut up!", shouts Sam, giving Logan a smack, sending him across the field, then winces, "...please don't kill me for that Mr Logan...please?"

Logan lands in a pile of dumbbells, glaring at Sam before dusting himself off

"Logan...a'h..", Sam coughs, "Oh, ah'm, ah'm sorry"

"Okay, okay, that's it", says Logan, "You won't face the truth? Fine"

Logan starts to walk off

"Logan, wait", calls Sam, "Where you going?"

"I'm hoppin' the first barge out of here", says Logan, "I'm goin' home"

Sam frowns, going back to lifting weights

"Fine! G...go! a'h don't", he scowls, "...a'h don't need you"

Logan pauses at the door, watching him shaking his head sadly

"I thought you were gonna be the all-time champ", he says softly, "Not the all-time chump"

Sam looks over his shoulder, watching Logan go, before all the lamps in the stadium go out. Pyro appears on top of the long jump.

"Geez Louise! What got his goat, huh? Baboom", Pyro grins, landing next to Sam, extending his hand, "Name is Pyro, Lord of the Dead. Hi. How ya doin'?"

Sam blinks, before walking away, Pyro moving in front of him, walking on his hands on those odd little bar things...okay, I hated gym, I didn't learn the real names

"Not now, okay?", says Sam.

"Hey, hey, I only need a few seconds and I'm a fast talker, all right?", says Pyro, "See, I've got the major deal in the works. A real estate venture, if you will"

By now, Pyro has passed the bars and is walking on air

"**SO COOL**!", giggles Pyro, "And Sam, you little devil you, may I call you Sam? You seem to be constantly getting in the way of it".

"You've got the wrong guy", mutters Sam.

He tries to walk away again, only to have Pyro grab him, his hair flaring

"**Hear me out, ya little**...", he pauses, his flame going down, letting out a breath, patting out Sam's toga, "...heh-heh. Just..hear me out, okay? So I would be eternally grateful if you would just... take a day off from this hero business of yours. Geez, I mean, monsters, natural disasters. Phew You wait a day, okay?".

"You're out of your mind", says Sam

"Thank you, I try", smiles Pyro pleasantly, ""Not so fast, because, ya see, I do have a little leverage... You might wanna know about"

He clicks his fingers and Tabby appears

"Tabby!", shouts Sam.

"Don't listen to...", Tabby is suddenly gagged and chained by smoke, as Sam goes to help her, she disappears.

"Let her go!", snaps Sam, jumping at Pyro, going right through him)

"Gotta love special effects", says Evan, "...as long as no bunnies are involved"

"Where are the bunnies?", squeaks Forge from backstage, "you said there'd be no more bunnies. **I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE BUNNIES!**"

"Will someone give that man a sedative!", snaps Evan.

"Here's the trade-off. You give up your strength for about 24 hours, okay? Say, the next 24 hours and Tabby here is free as a bird and safe from harm", says Pyro, "We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What d'ya say? Come on"

Tabby reappears on the step, still gagged and chained. Sam frowns

"People are", Sam frowns, "...are gonna get hurt, aren't they?"

"Nah!", says Pyro, then pauses, "...I mean, it's, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, you know, it's war, but what can I tell ya? Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh?"

He walks over to Tabby, squeezing her cheeks

"Isn't Tabby", he smiles at her, "little smoochy face...isn't she more important than they are?"

"**DON'T** call me 'Smoochy Face'", warns Tabby, under her gag.

"Stop it!", snaps Sam.

"Isn't she?", asks Pyro.

"You've gotta swear she'll be safe from any harm", says Sam, narrowing his eyes.

"Fine, okay, I'll give you that one. Tabby is safe, otherwise you get your strength right back, yadda-yadda, fine print, boilerplate, baboom. Okay?", says Pyro, "We're done, what d'ya say we shake on it?"

Sam frowns, looking at his hand

"Hey, I really don't have, like, time to bat this around", growls Pyro, "I'm kind of on a schedule here, I got plans for August. Okay? I need an answer, like, now. Going once, going twice"

"All right!", says Sam.

"Yes, we're there! Bam!", shouts Pyro as they shake on it, blue light surrounding their hands.

Sam groans dropping to his knees.

"You may feel just a little queasy, it's kinda natural. Maybe you should", Pyro picks up a dumbbell with smoke, tossing it at Sam and knocking him down, "**sit down**"

He smirks at him.

"Now you know how it feels to be just like everybody else. isn't it just _peachy_?", Pyro pauses, than smirks, "Oh! You'll love this. One more thing. Tabby, babe. A deal's a deal. You're off the hook"

He clicks his fingers, releasing Tabby, holding her in his arms

"By the way, Sam", he says, pulling Tabby into his arms, "Is she not, like, a fabulous little actress?"

"Stop it", says Tabby.

"What do you mean?", asks Sam.

"I mean your little chickie-poo here was working for me all the time", smirks Pyro, "Duh"

"You're...you're lying!", says Sam.

The Scary-Havok-Boy and Chubby-Boy from the gorge appear

"Help!", says Scary-Havok-Boy, fake coughing.

"Jeepers, mister, you're really strong", said Chubby-Boy

They both laugh, turning into their elf-like selves

"Couldn't have done it without you", says Pyro, "sugar, sweetheart, babe"

"No! It's not like that!", says Tabby, running over to Sam, "I didn't mean to...I...I couldn't...I...I'm so sorry"

Sam looks at her hurt, walking away as Todd and Fred douse him with **SAMULADE**

"Our hero's a zero! Our hero's a zero!", they sing in unison.

Pyro smiles, jumping onto a chariot drawn by a blazing...thingie of death

"...May I keep the thingie and cart?", asks Pyro.

"...No", says Evan

"...Awww", Pyro sighs, "Well, gotta blaze. There's a while cosmos up there waiting for me with, hey, my name on it. So much for the preliminaries, and now on to the main event!"

He flies off, laughing manically...as he does. The stars in the sky are now completely aligned

"**DUM DUM DUUUUUM**!", shouts Evan

----

Oooooh next up, Pyro releases the Titans! Do review. Until next time...


	13. A Titanic battle

It's all Greek to me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "The bigger they are, the harder they fall. So, the smaller they are, the, uh, lighter they fall?"

**&&&**

ACT 13 - A Titanic battle

**&&&**

We open in space, where a bolt of light shoots down the aligned planets and into the water, opening it, revealing the Titans prison, as Pyro flies over it in the carriage.

"Brothers!", shouts Pyro, "Titans!"

**When there's trouble you know who to call...**

"Not **those** Titans!", snaps Evan

"..Okay. Back to booming voice now", says Pyro, "Look at you in your squalid prison! Who put you down there?"

"Sabes!", shouts the Titans in unison.

Pyro sends out a fireball, which absorbs the Titan's bars, releasing them

"And now that I set you free, what is the first thing you are going to do?", he shouts.

"Destroy him!", shout the Titans as their fists burst out of the water

"Good answer", smirks Pyro.

Lance, now a big, rocky thingie with two heads, walks through a town, crushing it to bitty pieces

"Crush Sabes!", says Lance, "**rock him!"**

"I thought told you **no** rock puns!", shouts Evan.

Bobby, now a tall, frozen thingie freezes a herd of horses as they gallop away in fright

"Freeze him!", he shouts, "poor little ponies"

Magma, now a big ball of...well..magma thingie, dribbles over the land, melting it

"Melt Sabes!", she says, "…do I look fat in the costume?"

Storm, now a big cyclone thingie runs over a farmland...

"..That's ma'h farm", says Sam from backstage

...Blowing it to pieces

"...That's ma'h farm", blinks Sam again.

"Blow him away!", shouts Storm.

The Titans start to march along the land, repeating their phrases

"Uh, Guys?", says Pyro, "Olympus would be **that** way"

The Titans stop, blinking, turning around to see they were going in the opposite direction, they start off back in the right direction. Pyro stops Juggernaught, now a Cyclops.

"Hold it, bright eye", says Pyro.

"Bright eye", Evan snorts, "...now we have a new name for Scott"

"..Poo", says Scott.

"Huh?", blinks the Juggerlops.

: "I have a special job for you, my optic friend", grins Pyro.

"And Optic Friend!", giggles Evan, "there you go, fanfiction writers, two Scott nicknames for your pleasure!"

"Double poo", says Scott, "That's gonna be used by everyone now!"

On Humiliation...sorry, Olympus, Kurt is sitting on a cloud, dozing. He blinks up as he feels the ground.. and cloud shaking. He puts on his snazzy seventies glasses and looks down, seeing the Titans making their way to the mountain.

"Oh, ve're in trouble!", he squeaks, "Oh, big trouble! I gotta..."

He _BAMF'S_ off to where Raven and Sabertooth are having 'quiet time'.

"We weren't doing anything", shouts Mystique.

"**MOTHER**!", squeaks Kurt, "ewww, put it avay, put it avay!"

"Don't freak out yet, Kurt, just say your line", says Evan

"My Lord and Lady, the Titans have escaped", Kurt takes a breath, "**And they're practically at our gates**!"

"Sound the alarm!", shouts Sabertooth, "Launch an immediate counterattack! Go! Go!"

"Gone, babe", says Kurt.

He _BAMF'S_ off again, as the Gods prepare to fight. Kurt blows a little trumpet, Roberto and Piotr looking up. In the forge of the Gods, Forge starts making lightning bolts.

"You made me God of the...forge?", Forge frowns, "..that's not using your imagination, is it?"

"Well, you **both** have a fake limb", Evan smiles, "...plus, you get to date Elektra"

"Groovy", Forge pauses, "she's not in Evo..she's not even in X-Men!"

"We ran out of female characters", Evan shrugs, "besides Todd Fan wanted to give you a treat"

"Charge", says Piotr, then pauses, "..the God of war? Why not the God of art?"

Roberto gets on his sun chariot...minus the sun

"God of the sun, ooooh yeah!", grins Roberto, "On to battle!"

Forge tosses a bunch of lightning bolts to Sabes, who tosses them at the Titans in vain as Piotr, Roberto and X23 get sucked up by Storm.

"You windbag!", says Piotr.

"Nickname for Auntie O!", grins Evan.

"You use it you're dead", snaps Storm, "you hear me? **Dead**!"

Pyro is watching this with pure glee

"Boom, badda-boom, boom, **boom**!", he laughs.

"You call me?", asks Tabby from backstage.

We cut to Bayville, where the townsfolk are screaming as the Juggerlops stomps through it, destroying buildings and the like

"Samuel!", shouts the Juggerlops, "Where are you?"

Meanwhile, the Bayvillians are hiding in their fountain

"What can we do?", squeaks Viper.

"Where's Samuel?", asks Hank.

"Yeah, Samuel'll save us", says Black Eagle

He nods surely at the statue of Sam...before the Juggerlops squishes it

"...Or not", blinks Black Eagle.

"Samuel!", shouts the Juggerlops, "Come out! Face me!"

Sam and Tabby are watching this from a ledge a little ay away. Sam frowns, heading off in the direction of the Juggerlops. Tabby blinks, trying to stop him

"What are you doing?", she asks, "Without your strength, you'll be killed"

He brushes her off, carrying onwards

"There are worse things", he says sadly.

She tries to call him back as he enters the town, the Bayvillians looking up happily

"Hey, look!", grins Hank, "It's Samuel!"

"Thank the gods, we're saved!", says Callisto.

The Juggerlops walks over to Sam, towering over him

"So, you mighty Samuel", he snorts.

"Someone forgot to speak their English properly", says Evan.

The Juggerlops leans over, flicking Sam as if he were a speck of dust, flinging him into an Air- Sam mosaic. Meanwhile, Tabby has found Jottern tied up in the stable

"I feel so used!", sobs Scott.

"She didn't really love us!", whimpers Warren.

"You two are a bunch of idiots!", judges Jean.

"Oooh alliteration", educates Evan.

Tabby goes over, trying to release Jottern, who struggles

"No more women again for me, **ever**!", cries Scott, "Go away!"

"Easy, horsefeathers", says Tabby, "Whoa! Stop twitching, listen. Ah! Samuel is in trouble. We gotta find Logan, he's the only one who can talk some sense into him"

Jottern **GLARES** at her before zooming out of the stables into the air, Tabby holding on for dear life, screaming

"..And we're back to the heights", she whimpers

Meanwhile on Mt Olympus, the Titans are still climbing up the mountain, as Sabes tosses a lightning bolt at them

"Get back, blast you!", Sabertooth growls.

Lance gets to the top, smashing through the gates of Mt Olympus with ease

"Ooh, Chihuahua", giggles Pyro.

At Bayville docks, Logan is getting ready to board a boat, apparently not noticing the storm around him

"Come on! Hurry up!", shouts Guy Spear the sailor, "We're shovin' off here!"

Suddenly, Tabby shows up in the air, flying on Jottern

"Logan, Logan!", she shouts, "Samuel needs your help!"

"What does he need me for when he's got friends like you?", snaps Logan.

"He won't listen to me", says Tabby.

"Good!", growls Logan, "He's finally learned something"

Logan goes to walk off, only coming face-to-face with the flying Jottern, who snorts

"Look, I know what I did was wrong, but this isn't about me, it's about him", says Tabby, "If you don't help him now, Logan, he'll **die**!"

Logan stops dead. On Olympus, the Gods are losing...badly

"I need more thunderbolts!", shouts Sabertooth.

"Uh, Forgeaestus has been captured, my Lord", says Kurt, giving a salute, "Everyone's been captured, yah!"

He squeaks as Todd and Freddy grab his ankles, dragging him away

"I've been captured!", he squeaks, "Hey, hey! Vatch the glasses!"

Suddenly, Magma and Bobby close in on Sabes, using magma and ice to make a thick crust of.. err.. stuff, around him, his head poking out. Pyro laughs manically, flying ahead on his chariot.

"Sabesy, I'm home!", he sings.

Sabes blinks, glaring at Pyro

"Pyro, you're behind this!"

"You are correct, sir!", grins Pyro.

In Bayville, Sam is being pummelled by the Juggerlops, who kicks him about on his knees as if her were a football...or a soccer ball.. whatever

"Flea!", giggles the Juggerlops.

He laughs, flicking Sam into a wall, where he lies propped up on some pillars as Logan, Tabby and Jottern show up

"Samuel!", shouts Logan

"Logan?", says Sam, blinking up dozily.

Logan runs over, patting Sam's face as if he were a boxer in a time-out

"Come on, kid, come on", he says, "Fight back. Come on, you can take this bum, This guy's a pushover, look at him"

Sam sighs, looking at Tabby, frowning

"You were right all along, Logan", he says, "Dreams are for rookies"

"No, no, no, no, kid, givin' up is for rookies", says Logan, "I came back 'cause I'm not quittin' on ya. I'm willing to go the distance, how 'bout you?"

"…Did you not hear his song way back in act five?", asks Evan.

Sam doesn't get the chance to reply as the Juggerlops picks him up in his chubby hand

"Me bite off head!", he pauses, "...Ewwwwww, do I have to? I don't know where it's been"

Sam grabs a burning stick, which he tosses in the Juggerlops' eye, causing him to drop him

"Whoa, baby!", grins Logan

While the Juggerlops is screaming in pain, Sam Hercules ties up his legs, casing the Juggerlops to trip, falling off a cliff. His fall make a quake, from which a pillar starts falling on Sam

"Heroic time!", grins Tabby, "Samuel! Look out!"

She pushes him out of the way, getting crushed by the pillar herself

"Tabby! No!", shots Sam.

He runs over, trying desperately to lift the pillar, a glow forming around him as his strength returns, allowing him to lift it off Tabby.

"What's happening?", asks Sam, confused.

Tabby winces from where she lies

"P...Pyro's deal is broken", she says, "He promised I wouldn't get hurt"

Sam rushes over, lifting her head and holding her hand

"Tabby. Why, why did you", Sam pauses, "..you didn't have to..."

Tabby smiles

"Oh. People always do crazy things", she says, "... when they're in love"

"**DIE**!", snarls Rahne.

"..Not yet, Rahne", smirks Evan.

"Oh, Tabby", Sam sighs sadly, "...Tabby..A'h..a'h..."

Tabby chuckles, despite the pain it causes

"Are you... always this articulate?", she frowns, "You, you haven't got much time. You can still stop Pyro"

Logan rests her head on a rock

"I'll watch over her, kid", he says.

"Oh thanks, what a comfortable rock", mutters Tabby.

"You're gonna be all right", says Sam, "A'h promise"

He runs off, jumping onto Jottern, dragging his sword

"Let's go Jottern!"

"Hi ho, Jottern, away!", shouts Evan.

**&&&&&**

Whoo hoo! One more act to go! Do review. Until next time...


	14. A star is born

It's all Greek to me

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I put a lot of thought into the universe. I came up with the rules. It sets a bad example if I break them. Not to mention, it shows favouritism. Why should one person get a miracle, and not everybody else?"

**&&&&**

Well, here it is, the final act for the parody. Enjoy.

**&&&&**

ACT 14 - A star is born

**&&&&**

We open on Mt Olympus, where the Gods are in chains, Todd and Fred hovering over them, nudging them along as they march

"Hup, two, three, four, come on, everybody!", says Freddy, "I can't **hear** you!"

Kurt finches away as he screams down his ear, Todd wearing his snazzy glasses. Meanwhile, Sabertooth's head is just about to be covered by the motleniceyrock.. thing

"I swear to you, Pyro, when I get out of this..."

Pyro rolls his eyes, sitting on a cloud of dark smoke as Sabes' head is covered completely

"Can't...breathe", comes Sabertooth's muffled voice.

"I'm the one giving orders now, bolt boy", says Pyro, "And I think I'm gonna like it here"

He gives a trademark evil chuckle, manifesting a glass, sucking up the jelly worm from it

"Don't get too comfortable, Pyro!", says Sam in his hero voice.

Pyro spits out his jelly worm as the Gods look up to see Sam on Jottern

"Samuel!", grins Roberto, then frowns, "...You know, if I had some sun I wouldn't need..."

"You're the sun God, your helpless, now, shut up!", snaps Evan.

"This ought to even the odds!", shouts Sam.

He uses his sword to slash through the chain, releasing Roberto, Forge, X23, Elektadite and Kurt, who grins happily at his release, getting his glasses back and kicking Todd and Fred around a bit.

"Yeah, Samuel! Thank you, man!", grins Kurt.

Pyro goes **FWOOOOFM**! Pointing at Sam

"Get them!"

Magma shoots off some magma at Sam, missing him and covering Pyro instead

"**IT BUUUUUURNS**!", he pauses, "...may I have some more?"

"...St. John...", warns Evan.

"Oh, fine!", snaps Pyro, "Whoa! Hey! No! Get him, not me! Him! Follow the fingers! Him!"

As Sam ducks and waves through the clouds on Jottern, Bobby fires some ice at him, of course, hitting Pyro, freezing him

"This, I like less", chatters Pyro, "The yutz with the horse!"

Jottern flies up to the stone block, where Sam frees Sabertooth

"**AIR**!", gasps Sabertooth, "Ahem. Thank you, my boy"

Todd and Fred run away as Jottern chases them, catching them with his hooves, hammering them around like a punching bag

"Fool with **my** emotions will you!", snaps Scott.

"Diiiiiie!", giggles Warren.

"...I'll be glad when I can get out of this costume", mutters Jean.

"Nice horsey! My intentions were pure!", says Freddy, "I really was attracted to you"

"No, you were attracted to the rear end", growls Scott.

"...Yes...and?", asks Freddy, "Jean has to put up with you idiots, I feel sorry for her, being trapped in that costume"

"Awwwwww!", says Jean

"**JEAN**!", snaps Scott.

"What? You were all ready to ditch me for the hot horse!", growls Jean

"Oh no, I'm stuck between a lovers tiff", sighs Warren, "...please don't start hitting one another until I get out"

Meanwhile, Forge has made more lightning bolts

"Throw!", shouts Sabertooth

"...I'm getting a better job", mutters Forge.

He tosses two leads of lightning at Sabes, who catches them, then grins at Sam

"Hah! Now watch your old man work!", grins Sabertooth

"Uh-oh", say the Lance(s)

Sabes tosses some lightning, doing some trick shots too, as lightning explodes onto Lance. The Titans decide now would be a good time to run away...which they do

"**RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY**!", shout the Titans

"Guys, get your titanic rears in gears and kick some Olympian butt!", shouts Pyro.

Jottern hovers over Pyro, blowing out his flaming hair. Pyro blinks, tapping his bald head

"**ARRGHHHHHH**!", screams Pyro.

: "Pyro, you're not really bald", says Evan with a sigh, "it's only make up"

"**ARRGHH", Pyro stops, "**...oh. Whoa, is my hair out?"

Sam grabs Storm's hurricane tail, and uses her to suck up all the other titans

"**ARRRGHHHHHH**!", scream the Titans.

He then launches them into the sky, where they blow up. Sabes laughs, high-fiving Sam. Pyro gets back on his dark cart, drawn by his evil beastie thingy, heading back to the Underworld.

"Thanks a ton, Wonderboy. But at least I've got one swell consolation prize", he shouts, "A friend of yours who's dying to see me"

Sam pauses half-way from chasing on Jottern, realising what he means

"Tabby!"

We watch as Wanda, Agatha and Destiny pull Tabby's thread of life above their eyes, which is showing Tabby. The scene flashes between Sam racing to earth on Jottern, and Destiny inching closer to the thread. Just before Sam lands, she cuts the thread, and Tabby **DIES**!

"Oh...I'm dying...oh, the agony", Tabby gasps, "Give all my money to Amara!"

...I said you were **DEAD**, not **DYING**!

"..Oh..right", says Tabby, "...dead"

Tabby goes limp. Jottern lands on the ground and rushes over to Tabby, holding her in his arms

"Tabby", says Sam sadly.

Logan shakes his head sadly, and Jottern's wings droop

"The pixies said no one would die", says Scott.

"I want to cry", sniffles Warren.

"Oh, for the love of...", mutters Jean.

"Tabby, no", says Sam sadly.

"Awwww!", says Evan

Logan wipes away a tear from his eye

"**LOGAN'S CRYING**!", screams Evan, announcing the event to the entire set, who rush to look.

"Am not!", says Logan

"Are **SO**!", says Evan, "Todd Fan's little narration bit said so!"

Logan pauses, looking up at the last few lines.

"Oh", he says, "I'm sorry, kid. There's some things you just can't change"

Sam looks up determinedly

"Yes a'h can"

We cut to the Underworld, where Pyro's skull castle lights up with flame as Pyro throws a hissy fit

"We were so close! So close. We tripped the finish line", he shouts, "Why? because our little nut, Meg, has to go all noble"

He sits on his throne, muttering darkly...which is quite humorous coming from a nut-job like himself

"Hey...that hurt!", he says.

Suddenly, the ground trembles and Sam breaks through the wall, riding on one of Rahne's three heads

"I cannae believe I'm helping him save **HER**!", growls Rahne.

"Rahne, it's only an act, honey", smiles Evan

"Bite me", snarls Rahne

She lowers her head, letting Sam step off

"Where's Tabby?", growls Sam.

"Oh, look who's here. Wonderboy", smirks Pyro, "you are too much"

Sam runs over, grabbing the front of Pyro's toga

"Let. Her. Go"

Pyro chuckles, brushing him off

"Get a grip!", he says, "Come here, come here. Let me show you around"

He takes Sam to the river Styx

"Well, well. It's a small underworld after all, huh?", he says.

Sam sees Tabby's soul floating in the river

"I'm a soul, soul soul, in a riiiiver!", she sings

"Tabby!", gasps Sam, reaching in to grab her, his hands turning almost skeletal, "Ahhh!"

He very quickly pulls his hands out again, as they turn back to normal

"That **HURT**!", he snaps.

"No, no, no. Mustn't touch", smirks Pyro, "You see, Tabby's running with a new crowd these days. And not a very lively one, at that"

"You like making deals", frowns Sam, "Take me in Tabby's place".

Pyro pauses to ponder the proposition

"...More alliteration", says Evan, "head-ache inducing at that"

"Mmmm", says Pyro, "The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death"

"Ooooh that gives me an evil plan!", giggles Magneto, "Oh Luuuucas!"

"Nuh-huh, this one is mine!", snaps Xavier, "Come here, Pietro, Uncle Charles has a surprise for yooou"

"I'm running away now", says Pietro.

"Right behind ye", says Lucas, "Hey, I know a place where there are a lot o' chicks an' beer"

"Chicks and beer?", grins Pietro, "Hey, I love that too!"

The two sons of hated rivals go off to have a night of drunkenness and much joy

"...That was strange and pointless", blinks Evan

"Going once!", says Sam.

"Is there a downside to this?", mutters Pyro.

"Going twice!", says Sam.

"Okay, okay, okay, okay", says Pyro, "You get her out - she goes, you stay"

Pyro grins as Sam dives into the river Styx

"Oh, you know what slipped my mind?", he smirks, "You'll be dead before you can get to her. That's not a problem, is it?"

Through the magic of special effects, we see Sam getting older and older as he swims after Tabby. Just as his hand closes on Tabby's hand, we see Destiny go to cut his thread of life. When he scissors close on it, however, the thread turns gold, and the scissors bounce off.

"Huh!", says Destiny.

She tries a few more goes at it, the thread not cutting

"What's the matter with these scissors?", asks Wanda.

"The thread won't cut", says Agatha.

By the river Styx, Sam climbs out, young again and glowing, holding Tabby's soul in his arms

"Ooooooh shiny Sam!", grins Evan.

"This is...this is impossible!", blinks Pyro, "You, you, you can't be alive! You'd have to be a, a..."

"A god?", ask Freddy and Todd in unison.

Sam starts to leave, Pyro following him

"Samuel, stop! You can't do this to me. You can't...", Sam punches his face in, "Owww!"

"Sorry", says Sam.

"Fine, okay, listen. Hah! Okay, well, I deserved that", says Pyro, "Sam. Sam, Sam. Can we talk? Y..Your dad, he's a fun guy, right? So maybe you could put in a word with him and he'd kinda blow this whole thing off, you know?"

He holds Tabby's limp soul head, jiggling it as Sam

"Tabby, Tabby, talk to him", he says, "a little schmooze..."

Sam knocks Pyro into the river Styx, his fire going out as he's covered in water

"**I'M MELTING**!", screams Pyro

"No..you're not", sighs Evan.

The souls in the Styx start to clamber on top of Pyro

"Eew! Get away from me!", he says, "Don't touch me! Get your slimy souls off me! Ooh, ah..."

Todd and Freddy are watching this nervously from above the Styx

"He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there", says Todd.

"You mean, **IF** he gets outta there", grins Freddy.

Todd pauses, before grinning

"If. If is good", he smiles.

"Taxi! I don't feel so good", shouts Pyro, "I feel a little fluuuuuusssheed"

Pyro disappears in the river of death

"But I am a god, so I can't die!", says Pyro.

"**NEXT SCENE**!", shouts Evan

"Aren't you going to get me out?", asks Pyro.

Evan ponders on this.

"...No"

Back topside, Sam places Tabby's soul into her body, colour comes back to her face as she wakes up

"Wonderboy", she says, ", what...why did you..."

"People always do crazy things", he says, "... when they are in love"

"...Can I hear an echo?", asks Evan.

They go in to kiss when a cloud poof up under them, lifting them into the sky

"Okay, how many kisses are going to get interrupted!", screams Tabby, "**I WANT SAM-SUGAR**!"

Jottern takes to the air, following them, knocking Logan onto his back. They all make it to the gates of Olympus, where the gods are cheering

"Must I say this?", asks Roberto.

"Yes", says Evan

"...Fine", mutters Roberto, then says half-heartedly, "Three cheers for the mighty Samuel!"

Kurt grins tossing flowers around

"Oh, Yeah! Flowers for everybody!", he grins.

Sam walks up the steps, stopping by Mystique and Sabes. Mystique grins, giving him a hug

"Squeezing...hard", squeaks Sam.

"Samuel, we're so proud of you", smiles Mystique

"Mother", says Sam

"Brother!", says Kurt, giving him a hug.

"…..No, Kurt, not really", says Sam, "..get off"

Sam squeaks as Sabes pats him on the back, squishing Kurt at the same time.

"Hah! Fine work, my boy!", he grins, ignoring the now unconscious Nightcrawler, "You've done it! You're a true hero"

Mystique nods over to Tabby

"You were willing to give your life to rescue this young woman", she says.

"For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart", says Sabertooth, "Now, at last, my son, you can come home"

"...And you couldn't have told me this at the start?", asks Sam.

The gates of Olympus open, and Sam starts to get led in. Tabby sighs watching him go

"Congratulations, Wonderboy", she says sadly, "You'll make one heck of a god"

Sam notices her leaving and sighs

"Father, this is the moment ah've always dreamed of. But...", he goes over to Tabby, taking her hand, "A life without Tabby, even an immortal life, would be... empty. A'h..a'h wish to stay on Earth with her. A'h finally know where a'h belong"

Sam and Tabby **FINALLY** get to kiss. And Sam stops glowing

"I'll be waiting fer ye by the gate", threatens Rahne darkly.

"Hit it, ladies!", says Kurt, regaining consciousness.

The muses appear on a cloud

_**Ohhhhhhhhhhhh**_

**Gonna shout it from the mountaintops**, sings Rogue.

**_A star is born!_**, they sing in unison.

**It's the time for pulling out the stops**, sings Dani

The mortals get drenched in champagne

_**A star is born! **_

_**Honey, hit us with a hallelu **_

_**  
That kid came shining through **_

Jottern knocks heads with Tabby as Logan sidles up to Elektradite, who gives him a passionate kiss

"Booh-yah!", says Logan.

"…That was supposed to be my treat", says Forge sadly.

_**Girl, sing the song **_

_**  
Come blow your horn **_

_**  
A star is born! **_

Jottern flies them all off the mountain, Sam pulling Logan off Elektradite as they go. When they land in Bayville, Xavier and Gabriel have magically appeared, along with the Bayvillians who all cheer.

_**He's a hero who can please the crowd **_

_**  
A star is born! **_

_**  
Come on, everybody shout out loud **_

_**  
A star is born! **_

We watch the sky as Sabes forms the constellation of Samuel

**_Just remember in the darkest hour_**

**_  
Within you there's the power _**

_**  
For makin' you **_

_**A hero too **_

_**So don't lose hope **_

_**When you're forlorn **_

"That's Logan's boy", says Hank.

Logan sniffs, a tear forming as his dream comes true. They have a big **GROUP HUG!**

_**Just keep your eyes **_

_**Upon the skies **_

_**  
Every night**_

We leave the scene to see the muses dancing in front of a vase with Sam's constellation on it

**_A star is right in sight_**

_**  
A star is burning bright**_

_**  
A star is born **_

_**  
A star is born **_

"And it's over", says Evan, "I'm free!"

Marvel's Hercules suddenly appears.

"Thoust hath ruined my legend, you sad little Monkey People!", he snaps.

"Shut up", said Evan.

He sits back to watch the credits roll, ignoring as Tabby and Rahne roll around on the floor, trying to claw each others eyes out. Jottern struggles past

"The zippers caught", cries Scott, "**THE ZIPPER'S CAUGHT**!"

"Oh no, let me out, please, let me out!", sobs Warren.

"I need to use the bathroom!", cries Jean

Evan hums happily, ignoring the chaos

"Mmmm, this is a huge cast", he says, "I'm gonna fast forward"

As the credits end, we can just hear Pyro's voice in the Styx

"What do you say? It's happy ending time! Everybody's got a little taste of something but me! I got **NOTHING**!", he snaps, "I'm here with nothing. **ANYBODY LISTENING**? It's like...what am I an echo or something? Helooooooooo! Helooooo! Am I talking to, what? Hyperspace? Hello! It's me! Nobody's listening!"

**&&&**

END...thank the gods.

**&&&**

And there is yet another parody done and dusted. Incidentally, Pyro's bit at the end really is in the movie. I discovered it by pure chance one day after having the video for years. Just proves you should **NEVER** stop watching a movie until the credits have all finished. Do review, thanks for reading!


End file.
